Archives for February 2010

Debunking Subliminal Tapes

For a lot of the people who know me or read my stuff, I have a sort of reputation as a debunker. A big part of my activity involves discovering and promoting some ideas for personal development and improving people skills, another big part involves showing the flaws in other ideas, to facilitate effective growth.

I believe there are a tone of people skills and personal development ideas out there, most of which only generate marginal improvements, and this is why I think debunking some can be as important as supporting others.

Today, my focus is on debunking subliminal tapes. And I’m going to use for this an excerpt from the book “Psychological Foundations of Success” by Dr. Stephen Kraus, a Harvard-trained scientist and a business consultant. I think his words do the debunking better than mine ever could.

Let’s consider an example of success snake oil: subliminal self-help tapes. These tapes are a multi-million dollar business, and it is easy to see why. Their promise of easy, effortless change is a marketer’s dream. Simply listen to the tapes, we are told, and although the subliminal messages in them can’t be heard audibly, they tap the power of the subconscious mind to bring about massive change and success. If you want to lose weight, for example, there’s no need for the inconvenience of exercise or the sacrifices involved with healthy eating – simply listen to the tapes and pounds will melt away. And losing weight is just one example – other tapes promise to boost self-esteem, improve memory, increase worker productivity, and even aid in the recovery from sexual abuse. There’s only one problem: they don’t work.3 If it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is – and effortless change via subliminal tapes is indeed too good to be true. Every independent scientific study has reached the same conclusion – these tapes are a waste of money. […]

Despite numerous studies demonstrating that subliminal tapes are worthless, people continue buying them in large numbers. The problem is that manufacturers of these products have become experts at deceptive marketing, and they conveniently ignore the carefully-conducted studies demonstrating the ineffectiveness of the tapes. As Anthony Pratkanis put it, “Tape company representatives are likely to provide you with a rather lengthy list of ‘studies’ demonstrating their claims. Don’t be fooled. The studies on these lists fall into two camps – those done by the tape companies and for which full write-ups are often not available, and those that have titles that sound as if they apply to subliminal influence, but really don’t.”

These deceptive marketers often point to one study in particular, known to many as the “Eat Popcorn/Drink Coke” study. Conducted in the late 1950s, this study flashed the messages “Eat Popcorn” and “Drink Coke” briefly on a movie screen. Thousands of moviegoers were supposedly exposed to these messages over the course of six weeks, and the result was reportedly an increase in Coke sales of 18% and in popcorn sales of nearly 58%. Reports of the study fueled international outrage – several countries outlawed subliminal advertising, and the Federal Communications Commission threatened to strip the broadcast license of anyone using subliminal advertising. Amidst this well-publicized furor, a much quieter development was unfolding. Researchers throughout the world were trying – and failing – to replicate the dramatic findings of the Eat Popcorn/Drink Coke study. A Canadian television show, for example, flashed the subliminal message “Phone Now” during its regular airing. Not only was there no increase in phone calls, but when viewers were asked to guess what the message had been, none of the 500 who guessed did so correctly (interestingly, nearly half reported feeling hungry or thirsty, demonstrating not the power of subliminal persuasion, but rather the power of suggestion – those familiar with the Eat Popcorn/Drink Coke study experienced what they expected to experience). This and other failures to replicate the original never got the widespread publicity of the initial study. The media sells stories, and the story that marketers are manipulating our unconscious minds sells well, whereas a story of carefully-conducted research failing to confirm the initial results is decidedly less sexy.

Here’s another fact that didn’t get much publicity: James Vicary, the author of the initial study, admitted in 1962 that he had simply made up the results to attract customers for his failing marketing business. Regardless, this “study” and others like it, fueled by a growing distrust of advertisers, became ingrained in American popular culture. By the early 1980s, more than four-in-five Americans had heard of subliminal advertising, and of those, two-in-three believed it could be effective in selling products. By the 1990s, $50 million a year or more were being spent annually on subliminal success products, despite a total lack of compelling evidence that they work.

How’s this for real personal development science?

You Can’t Handle the Truth

I remember a conversation I had with a female friend who was telling me upset about a comment her boyfriend made related to her appearance:

Her: “He said I have thick thighs. I can believe it!

Me: “I thought you wanted people to be honest with you. And he’s being honest.

Her: “Yeah, but c’mon: how can he say that to me? I’m sensible about my appearance!

Almost every person you ask will say that honesty is one of the top traits she’s looking for in other people: friends, lovers, colleagues or business partners. This is one of those things which are easier said than done. Because when most persons actually meet very honest people and they get a dose of that honesty, their reactions to it commonly suggest something different from their statements.

I believe that in fact, most people are rarely exposed to real honesty about things which they may not take so well. Usually for good reason. Sure, they may say they want honesty about everything, and it might truly be important for them from certain points of view.

But at the same time, a lot of the people they know will not believe this is true, or they will not be willing to risk it. So they will be honest and say the truth to them, only as long as they’re talking about the good or the neutral stuff. When it comes to the negative stuff though, they’ll find ways to avoid the subject, slip out of the conversation, or they’ll just lie and consider they’re tactful, they (yuck!) have people skills.

In my coaching, I will often give a client an honest feedback about a certain shortcoming. For example, I’ll say: “I think you’re listening skills are pretty bad and you could benefit a lot from improving them. You interrupted me almost every time I was talking; you repeatedly asked me questions I’ve already answered and you seem to me to often be in your head when I’m saying something.

Even though I’ll usually phrase this feedback in a tactful, respectful way, the verbal and nonverbal response the client will give me usually indicates he is blown away by such an honest feedback and he didn’t see it coming. I often get responses like: “I’m not used to being said things like that from people.” What a surprise!

I highly encourage you to notice your emotional and behavioral reactions when someone gives you an honest feedback stating some negative things. Acknowledge your real reactions, not the ones you wish you would have. Then decide to look for very honest people, and to appreciate their honesty, even if sometimes you feel hurt because of it or you get defensive.

If you discover that your external reactions to negative feedback are not the most constructive you could have, work on them as part of improving your people skills. Even if you still hurt on the inside, don’t let this turn into pain for the other person.

Long term, the most important people skills development step you can take in this area is building some emotional toughness. This means you can take a negative feedback without feeling hurt. You can look for the value in the feedback, use it and react in a constructive way towards the feedback giver and his honesty.

I believe that building emotional toughness is one of the key ways you can become able to handle the truth no matter what a person’s truth is, and you can create more honesty and openness in the relations you have.

Get Your Stuff Together Instead of Using Distractions

To a great extent, I’m a hedonist: I believe in doing the things you enjoy, maximizing your pleasure and not compromising pointlessly. At the same time, I notice that a lot of times, doing the things we enjoy is an ineffective way of running from the things which don’t work in our lives, a way of distracting ourselves.

What are distractions? Well, they’re pleasure-giving activities (which is good), used to shift our attentions from thoughts or facts that make us feel pain. Which can be very, very bad. Using distractions is like covering your eyes so you don’t see something you don’t want to see, or sinking your head underwater so you don’t hear something you don’t want to hear.

Very common things like listening to music, dancing, drinking, eating, sex, watching a movie, playing games, taking a vacation, even reading inspirational stuff, are all very pleasurable activities, which can also be used as distractions.

Why can using distractions be bad? Before I answer, I’ll mention the good part: there are specific contexts when using distractions can be a constructive way to handle things. For example, if you recently lost a job you had for many years, or a relationship you had for many years, the initial psychological pain will usually drop naturally, as time passes. So, some distractions can be a good way to not think about the event for a while, and then go back to the event with some distance from it. This way, you will not suffer as much.

But (there is almost always a ‘but’ with me)…  more often than not, distractions are only a way of mentally running from the things you don’t like so you won’t have to deal with them. They work as a quick remedy for the suffering, without fixing the problem. As the real problem is still not addressed, your mind will constantly refocus on it, and you constantly need to fight back using distractions, which is usually either hard or impossible.

There’s more: as you use a distraction more and more, you often build tolerance to it and you need bigger doses to get the same effect. This is one way to create alcohol addicts, eating addicts, sex addicts, and yes, even partying addicts. Needles to say that because all of this, distractions are a poor long-term solutions to suffering.

The effective solution in the long run is to address the things you don’t like and get your stuff together (and I’m using a euphemism here). Practically, there are only 2 ways you can go, both typically involving personal development:

  1. Either you change your external reality, handle that job you’re bored with, that relationship which doesn’t work anymore, that extra weight and so on, or
  2. You change your internal reality, you change your expectations and beliefs, so you learn to accept the external reality and it doesn’t bother you anymore.

I don’t think one way is always best. Sometimes it’s important to take action, sometimes it’s important to let go. You will have to decide on your own which way to get your stuff together works best, depending on the specifics of your situations.

Either way, it starts here: stop and think about the things you enjoy a lot. Maybe so much that you see them as a way to ‘escape’. Could they be distractions? If the answer is yes, then what are you distracting yourself from? As you identify and address the issues in your life and get your stuff together, you become more able to do the things you enjoy independent of the distraction they provide.

The Ultimate Tool for Managing Your Emotions

One key area of personal development which I notice a lot of people are interested in is managing emotions. This interest has good reasons, as your emotions influence your options and your options influence your results. Plus, it just feels bad to feel bad.

Managing emotions is also one of those key areas of personal development where a lot of people struggle. They read books and articles, go to trainings, try various methods and techniques, yet most of them don’t seem to be able to get rid of those pesky negative emotions they don’t want in their lives.

I believe that managing your emotions is an often misunderstood part of self-improvement, and this makes place for a lot of emotional mastery tools which provide nothing more than false hope or a short lived relief, often for big sums of money.

The Tool I Recommend

Considering this, I’ve decided to write a piece about the primary tool I employ for managing emotions, both with myself and with my clients, and which is by far the most effective I know: CBT – Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or Therapies). It represents a systemic approach to managing your emotions through changing thinking and behavioral patterns.

CBT has also been turned into CBC – Cognitive Behavioral Coaching – which is what I actually use in my communication coaching activity, but given the major similarities between the two, I will refer to both using the more commonly known name of CBT, to simplify things.

My intention here is not to describe Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in detail, nor to provide a manual on how to use it. You can find this kind of information in many other places.

My goal is only to show you why I think it’s an excellent tool for managing emotions. This will also make my life easier, as whenever I am asked what tools and why I recommend for dealing with fear, guilt, anxiety, depression, anger and so on, I will simply point people to this article from now on.

My Exploration of Emotional Mastery Tools

Over the years, I have looked into various tools for managing emotions. When I say ‘looked into’, this means I have:

  • Used the tools one by one for myself and looked at the results;
  • Gave them to others for testing or interviewed people who have used them;
  • Searched for scientific research to back them up and analyzed the data.

The tools for managing emotions I have looked into include: NLP, EFT, The Sedona Method, positive affirmations, hypnosis, meditation and subliminal tapes. I have found some of these I mention to be effective in managing emotions to some degree, but none of them capable to be a complete tool for this purpose.

Some tools provide only a short term improvement of the emotional state, with no long term change; some of them work inconsistently, for some people but not for many other people. Some tools support the process of managing emotions but do not provide it themselves; some of them just create a placebo effect. Some tools are pure bullshit.

What actually bothered me is that a lot of these methods are marketed as powerful, miracle solutions to get read of all unwanted emotions and they don’t even live up to 10% of the promise.

What amused me is how some people will use an emotional management method for years, will encourage others to do the same and will think it’s a great method, even if it hasn’t really helped them improve more than marginally. That’s the definition of insanity to me.

In the end, I stopped at CBT. Ironically, it’s one of the first tools I have found, but I abandoned it before truly testing it because it didn’t look… sexy enough. It seemed rather repetitive, analytical and programmatic, and I was attracted by some of the flashier tools out there.

Why CBT?

Now, I can tell you about my positive results in managing emotions using CBT, I can tell you about the consistent positive results my clients who used CBT effectively got, I can tell you about the inner logic of the techniques employed.

But from my perspective, all of these pale by comparison with another argument: the fact that worldwide, there are over 2000 rigorous scientific studies on the techniques and principles of CBT, which prove it to be highly effective. In terms of scientific support, it is light years away from almost any other tool out there for managing your emotions.

I know a lot of other methods claim to be supported by science. Don’t be fooled! Anyone can make claims such as these, quote fake research or create bias research, designed to support a certain conclusion. There is a lot more to getting scientific backup in the area of personal development than meets the eye.

CBT is not a miracle cure. It involves getting used to it. It involves a lot of work for identifying your current thinking patterns and beliefs, seeing what is irrational or non-constructive in them, and changing them gradually through cognitive and behavioral techniques.

It’s based on 3 R’s: reprogramming, repetition and reinforcement. If you stick to these three ways, you will see real progress and change in your habitual emotional reactions.

At the end of the day, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy promises less and offers more than any other tool I know for managing your emotions, which is why I recommend it whole-heartedly.

Asshole – Book Recommendation

Yes, the book is actually called “Asshole: How I Got Rich and Happy by Not Giving a @!?* About You”, and it’s written by Martin Kihn. I’ve listened to the audio version the past few days, and it quickly made the list of my favorite books.

You can find other valuable info and reviews for the book on Amazon, and you can listen to a free audio sample on LoDingo.

Just turning 40, Martin realizes that his life and his career are not what he dreamed of, and being too nice is the main cause for this. This is how he describes himself in the book:

If you asked me to do you a favor, even the kind of favor that required me to go so far out of my way I needed a map, a translator and an oxygen tank, even if I didn’t know you that well, I might hesitate a second, hoping you’d think of someone else to irritate, but I’d always say yes.

So in order to get what he wants, Martin decides to get rid of his people pleasing persona and turn himself into an asshole. The book is the entertaining and at the same time inspirational story of this real journey and its results, a journey which involves among other things, taking life coaching, acting classes and boxing lessons.

As a personal development passionate, what I liked most about “Asshole” is that it’s a real life experiment, conducted by a real person and then put into words. Some of the ideas Martin implemented you might find a bit too out-there and not want to try, but there are definitely a lot of people skills and personal development ideas you will want to put into practice if you find yourself being very nice, all the time. If you’re wondering: “What’s wrong with being very nice, all the time?” then you definitely need to get this book.

One such idea I found useful is interrupting people. I don’t think it’s a good thing to do this constantly and make it your way of communicating with others, but I do think every once in a while, it has its place in communication. Yet a lot of people I’ve worked with (me included) have or used to have problems in this area and simply could not interrupt people, even if they may have gotten interrupted all the time.

Besides the practical and inspirational side, “Asshole” is written in a very humorous way, using witty language and describing some out of the box experiences one would naturally encounter when deciding to become an asshole. I laughed through the entire audio-book. I recommend you buy the audio version of the book, as all the voice acting only enhances the humor and makes the book even more entertaining.

As for the lessons of the book: is being nice bad? Is becoming an asshole an actual way to improve your people skills? What did Martin decide after his experiment? Well, you’ll just have to go though the book, get the facts and reach your own conclusions.