Here’s a fairytale gone badly, as it sometimes happens in real life: There was once a little girl who believed that all good things will come to her if she is really nice and always helps other people.
She was always there for her aging parents; she even refused a dream job because it was in another town and she didn’t want to move too far from her parents. She would always help her friends, lend them money, give them advice and get them out of trouble.
Her colleagues at work could always rely on her and she would often get behind on her projects to give them a hand with theirs. She also had this affinity towards guys with serious problems (jobless, alcohol abusing, emotionally imbalanced), the kind of guys that desperately needed help.
After about ten years of doing this, she felt miserably. She wasn’t getting the love, appreciation and recognition she wanted, most people had started taking all her help for granted, her life did not look the way she’d hoped it would.
When I discussed with her in our first communication coaching session, focused on identifying the key people skills to improve, after about 15 minutes of conversation, bells started ringing in my head going: “Savior complex full throttle!”
What Is The Savior Complex?
The savior complex is a psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.
There are many sides to a savior complex and it has many roots. One of its fundamental roots, in my experience, consists in a limiting belief the savior person has that goes something like this:
“If I always help people in need, I will get their love and approval, and have a happy life.”
This is of course, a nice sounding fairytale.
Houston We Have a Problem
Often, in real life, a savior will have such an unassertive way of helping others that instead of becoming grateful, they get used to it and they expect it. They feel entitled to receive help from this person, simply because they need it and they’ve always got it.
On top of this, always putting other people’s needs first makes a savior not take care of their own needs. So while they may feel happy because they are helping others, at some level, they feel bitter and frustrated at the same time.
Reframing Nobility
Here’s where things get worse: many people with a savior complex I’ve met, although they realize at some point that they have a savior complex and it is not worth it for them, they will not try to combat it.
They’re not masochistic; they have another belief that even if being a savior will not get them the recognition they want and will not make them happy, it is the noble thing to do. They believe they are somehow better then others because they help people all the time without getting anything back.
Do you have any idea how dim-witted this is? There is nothing noble in sacrificing yourself for others while you are starving at a psychological level. If our ancestors would have willingly done so 50.000 years ago, our species would be extinct.
If you think you have a savior complex or at least something close to it, I believe the best thing you can do is to face up to the practical consequences in has in your life. Being a savior is neither noble nor practical.
Learn to give and to ask for what you want, to help and to be helped. This is the healthy way to use your people skills and to interact with others.
Image courtesy of Eneas
October 23, 2010 at 8:05 pm
I’m guilty of this one Eddie.
But I know that it comes at a price and that it won’t bring me the really happiness I want.
October 26, 2010 at 10:54 pm
Ay ay ay, Ben
October 24, 2010 at 7:23 pm
Hi Eduard.
This sure is a topic of concern. “Am I helping someone at the expense of my own health?” This is a valid topic, because if you are helping someone, who then relies upon you for it, and then lose your own health/energy in the process, the help is not sustainable, and then later when they want your help, you will not be able to provide it, so the initial help was actually damaging. This is why people generally like those who are tough and direct, because they may not seem so friendly at first, but they are not making someone attached to them, and still help along the process.
It isn’t easy to be tough and direct, though.
Armen Shirvanian´s last post: Running In The Rain
October 26, 2010 at 10:56 pm
Well pointed out Armen. It’s not sustainable in the long term to help others at the expense of your own needs. I think it’s always best to (relatively) balance the two.
October 24, 2010 at 7:36 pm
Oh man is this true! Some people give and give until it hurts, and if it doesn’t hurt they don’t think they are doing enough. They are habitual self-sacrificers.
“There is nothing noble in sacrificing yourself for others while you are starving at a psychological level.”
Exactly! It’s like during airplane safety instructions. They tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, and THEN help others put their masks on. If you don’t save yourself, if you can’t find happiness, then you can only do so much for other people. Real charity comes first from being charitable and loving to yourself.
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love.” – Buddha
And the ironic thing is… when we can stand on our own two feet and be strong, we serve as an inspiration to those who can’t yet do it. Sometimes that is the BEST way we can help others.
Steven´s last post: PsychNews- Oct 17 – 23
October 26, 2010 at 10:57 pm
Hey Steve,
That Buddha quote really wraps things up for me. Loving others without loving yourself isn’t much they way I see it.
October 25, 2010 at 1:15 am
We can help everyone. What we can do is teach them to help themselves. Give him the pole and tell them to fish for themselves. Just show them.
October 26, 2010 at 10:58 pm
This is why I like coaching and training. They empower people instead of making them dependent on your help.
October 29, 2010 at 9:24 pm
Interesting points. I think you hit the nail in the head when you say these people are looking for acceptance. I used to be like this myself.. I used to want to help others as much as possible and got bitter when they just ignored me, and didn’t give me appreciation.
However, it’s a dilemma because we feel you can’t have much meaning in life unless you have a positive effect on others (ie Mother Theresa). So what are we supposed to do? Just care of our needs, and focus on just ourselves? I think that leads to depression too. Dun get me wrong – we need to love ourselves, but if we have noone to help, that causes problems too, no?
That’s why I think so many ppl look to creating a family for meaning in life. It just leads to an easy way to help others (your wife, your kids). VS helping friends who could care less about you. Your wife/kids are genetically linked to you, so they’ll reciprocate your caring.
Henway´s last post: My Nutrisystem Review
November 1, 2010 at 12:30 pm
Hi Henway,
I find that many patterns of behavior emerge from a huge need for acceptance. And many apparently constructive behaviors are in fact destructive. We just need to look at them in perspective to realize this.
The point is not to not help others at all. Helping others is one important part of life. However, I think we need to balance taking care of our needs with taking care of other people’s needs.
October 29, 2010 at 10:05 pm
Hi there Eddie. I’m all too familiar with codependency, the savior complex. People who come from dysfunctional families in which they are parentified at an early age are known for becoming codependent. That was me! It is extremely exhausting to constantly hold yourself responsible for fixing everything and saving everyone. However, it is important to know that codependency doesn’t just go away. In addition to awareness, there is so much healing work that goes into overcoming this. The work may take years but it is worth it. Great post!
Nea | Self Improvement Saga´s last post: Buddhist Quotes and Sayings by Thich Nhat Hanh
November 1, 2010 at 12:34 pm
Hey Nea,
I’ve noticed the same thing about people who come from dysfunctional families. The interesting thing is that I’ve also met people with a Savior Complex who came from what you might call a normal family.
This idea of always sacrificing yourself for others can (and often does) sneak into your head in all sort of growing conditions. Your average, typical family sometimes promotes this idea as well.
December 6, 2011 at 8:34 am
Ya i agree with that Eduard. While my parents are divorced, they still both loved me very much and didnt let their seperation get in the way of how they raised me. So far ive helped out 4 girls and i was their boyfriend. 3 out of the 4 times they ended up leaving me for some other guy when they were done with me. The other one i just realized that i was hurting myself too much to stay.
My last relationship was with a girl who came from a pretty dysfunctional family. Luckily i was able to keep her off drugs before she started. It lasted my last 2 years in high school and i’m now in college. She ended up cheating on me with a guy from school and leaving me for him. But after all that i try to be there for her. It sounds crazy as im writing it but its just who i am. She at least aknowledged that i helped her move on with her life and get over her depression somewhat. In the end i’m pretty sure i would do it again.
September 20, 2011 at 5:05 pm
I am not sure if I have a savior complex but I believe that I have something along those lines, and I am beginning to realize how badly I need to find a way to change the way I respond now that I am an adult. When someone in my life is going through a hard time, like making bad relationship choices, or have problems with their parents, or making dangerous choices (drugs, excessive drinking) my identity becomes so wrapped in helping them and feeling their pain, that I lose myself. It actually started when I was very little, but my parents always just told me I was sensitive. But in reality, I believe it is getting out of hand. I will cry for weeks and be really truly depressed and spend all my time praying or trying to help that person. And in situations where I simply can’t do anything, it is the same but even worse. I stayed in a horrible relationship because I so badly wanted him to stop doing drugs (learned that lesson) but I was just so sad for him. For example, my friend came out of the closet and he got kicked out of his house and is going through some really hard things right now, and I honestly haven’t even been able to eat and I’ve cried every night this week. I worry that people take advantage of the fact that they can affect me so much, many people have emotionally manipulated me by making themselves appear as victims, or telling me that they are suicidal/going to kill themselves and then later I find that it was more of a tool to get to me emotionally and that the hole ordeal made me depressed while they were hanging out with their friends. I know I sound absolutely crazy but I really just need some advice.
just brain storming on some possible causes or links:
I have control issues in my own life, like I am extremely clausterphobic in situations where I don’t think I can escape. I came from a very loving family, but they are immigrants who came from a different culture so they are very so they are a little over protective so maybe that is just how I was taught to express love? But still, doesn’t explain how sad it makes me..