How You Fuck Yourself Emotionally

This week I’m somewhere up in the mountains, delivering a communication and public speaking training. I can see snow and skiers out the window; it’s a pretty epic scenery.

Today was speech delivery day. Each participant to the training delivered a speech and received feedback on it, from myself and from some of the other participants. It’s been another reminder for me of how our fears are self-generated and most of them are based on pure crap.

Almost every participant had a lot of anxiety before and during their speeches; the kind of anxiety you would expect somebody to have in front of an execution squad. Discussing with the participants and finding out the way they think, it wasn’t hard to figure their fear out.

Two Faulty Ways of Thinking

First of all, almost every participant was convinced that they will have a terrible speech, and they will make total fools of themselves. Despite these expectations, all speeches were actually above average and many of them were quite good. Several participants couldn’t believe this even after receiving numerous positive feedbacks.

Secondly, many of the participants had hideous interpretations of feedback on their speeches that pointed out areas to improve. Emotionally, it was like a blow to the stomach for them. One person almost started crying during the feedback process, despite the fact it emphasized a lot more strong points than weak ones.

A Million Scenarios, the Same Two Problems

These two faulty ways of thinking are only particular and slightly stronger manifestations of two broader thinking and attitude patterns. These two patterns can be found in the psychology of numerous people.

1. A negatively distorted self-image. There are tons of individuals who see themselves as less able speakers, less skilled professionals or less attractive persons than they really are. Their self-image simply doesn’t keep up with their competencies, which leads to low self esteem and low confidence.

2. Perfectionist expectations of oneself. There are also tons of individuals who believe they need to be perfect, to have no flaws, and they can’t accept themselves otherwise. Thus, any emphasis on personal flaws or discovery of personal flaws is a real drama for them.

When you ask of yourself to be perfect but you see yourself as a loser, you create a huge mental gap. Thus, you fuck yourself up emotionally. And from there, you destroy most chances you have of a prosperous and fulfilling life.

Cognitive-behavioral therapists have been saying for a few decades now that for the most part, we make ourselves feel like crap through erroneous ways of thinking. Well, my training experience this week is just another concrete demonstration of this.

The Takeaway

This is a good moment to reflect upon your self-views and self-expectations. Are they pragmatic and anchored in reality? Do they help you make progress in your personal and professional life, or do they harm your life?

If the later is closer to the truth than the former, it’s time to seriously consider changing your attitudes and your thinking. And I mean REAAAAALLY consider it.

I often say that improvements in your people skills and your attitudes are the most relevant ones you can make. The more you support your emotional life through your thinking instead of screwing it, the better you will be.

Image courtesy of dpup

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Comments

  1. I agree, we often bring ourselves down. I don’t know, it has a lot to do with our mindset.

  2. Can someone have those two patterns at the same time? How about the negative one, then the perfectionist image?

    • Yes. I actually find that the two thinking patterns are often found together, as a couple. In such cases, they amplify each others power and that’s when the huge emotional drama happens.

  3. That’s great.. ouch! more work for me then..
    Thank you for your reply.

  4. Best title ever! Good insight too. Thanks, Eduard.
    Sincerely,
    Julie Jarnagin (Divajules)

  5. You’re spot on here. The only real challenge we each face in the person in the mirror! So often we logically want one thing and then emotionally attract the exact opposite.

    Love the title BTW!

  6. Lol. I really appreciate the title of this. And yeah, I’ve got to say, perfectionism is probably the #1 way to fuck yourself up!

  7. For being professional, why does your title have to have the F Word in it. For someone who teaches how to act and speak you would think you would know how to use a better word than that. Seeing that has completely turned me off your site.

    • Well Lia, that’s how I talk in real life, so that’s how I write. Some people like it, some don’t. I’m fine with that.

      • We’re adults that can deal with profanity. Especially when it’s so accurate. I think most everyone on this planet, in some way, is emotionally fucking themselves up. Brutal, honest & accurate description. Rather then being prissy, Lia’s should be focusing on & praising the valuable self improvement ideas presented in this article.

  8. Perfectionism is a terrible way to fuck oneself up. That’s exactly what I’ve done and – as you said above – it came at a time when my self esteem was also lower (normally I have high…well, defensively high (arrogance)…self esteem, which could have saved me). I’ve just been through a two-month long, very public, very humiliating nervous breakdown. You live and learn – I have learned to chill the fuck out and stop analysing every ‘mistake’ I make. Best way to do this, I’ve found, is not to try and rationalise yourself out of it (as you’d think…), because that makes you focus on it. Instead, just notice the thought come into your mind and then let it drift away without getting attached to it. Ask yourself how much it even matters anyway instead of trying to stop yourself from thinking it at all. You’ll only make it worse and fuck yourself up more.

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