This is a guest post from Armen Shirvanian, who writes words of wisdom about mindset, communication, relationships, and related topics at Timeless Information. You can follow him on Twitter at @Armen.
The more you try to do, the more you will have to deal with rejection. The laws of probabilities are on the side of there being some rejections in your efforts. There are a couple of types of rejection that come to mind. There is direct rejection, which offers quick feedback, and can let you go on to your next step right away. Then, there is indirect rejection, which is based on getting very little feedback, or none at all, for a frustrating period of time.
People worry about direct rejection, but getting that is way better than being left to wonder if you were accepted or not. The wait can be tough to handle, and makes you start doubting yourself. While direct rejection doesn’t use up any more of your time, the time loss felt wondering about any indirect rejections is not appealing. The following example shows some of the benefits of direct rejection, and the problems with indirect rejection, and how to deal with it:
Applying to join a club example
You apply to get into an exclusive club of some sort. This could be any club related to what you do or wish to do. Exclusive clubs exist sometimes out of too much demand for minimal supply, or out of a hope of creating perceived demand. Either way, they have limits on who can enter. If you apply to join one, you could hear one of a few things said to you. Being accepted is one possibility(which is why you should always try for what you want). Another possibility is that they will tell you that you’ve been turned down. This feels bad for a few minutes, or a bit longer, but you will soon adjust to this feedback. It is different information to then respond to.
Then, there is the terrible third possibility that you will either not get a response, or get back something like a “maybe” or “we’ll get back to you”, which leaves you in a state of confusion. It doesn’t tell you much about if you were qualified to enter, or if you weren’t, and you then have to decide whether to ask more questions or not.
How you respond is the key
To deal with this in a smart way, you want to not allow yourself to get frustrated, which is an important aspect of personal development. You have an opportunity to handle it a few ways. You can let the person know that they are not being direct enough to your liking. This puts you in a dominant position. Another great way to respond is to pretend they rejected you. If they wanted you to join, they would have announced it proudly, but since this did not occur, they lose out on your presence. As you can see, even with rejection, or “partial rejection”, you come out ahead based on how you respond. The cards are always in your hands.
People rejected me many times, in many different ways, and so I have built up resilience to most potential responses. I view this as a big advantage of mine. We often see this as a weakness when it occurs, but we should not see rejection this way. It’s pretty nice to for those us who understand this, because those who think we’re worse off due to rejections are later even more surprised at the strength and experience we possess.
Let me add that I’m not saying to try to get rejected as many times as possible in a day, but if it does occur, it doesn’t mean to make a U-turn and drive the other way. The person who rejected you is a person as well, and they will certainly take notice of the composure and tact you use in your response.
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Armen,
I wanted to be the first one to comment and to thank you for your guest post. I knew I wanted to publish it as soon as I read the title and the first paragraph.
How to smoothly handle hearing ‘no’ is something I teach a lot of my clients. As they develop this ability, they’re amazed at how much people around them open up and become more honest. Great stuff.
Good stuff i would like to throw another log on the fire here and sugest that we need to be as willing to deal with hearing no from our selves as we are hearing it from others. There are many times in a given day were i will come upon something i want abut know i should not have, a second piece of cake for example. when I tell my self no you don;t need that i hate to hear my self wine and throw a tantrum even if sometimes I do. Thanks for the insight and an awesome guest post.
.-= Quinn´s last blog ..The empowerment of limitations =-.
Great post. I’m actually going through a similar thing that can have legal ramifications if things are not straightened out. I’ve gotten a ‘no’ but I’ll keep going till I can get an equitable outcome.
.-= Ken Kurosawa´s last blog ..Are Men Really From Mars and Women Really From Venus? =-.
Armen, I really like the part about letting *them* know they are not direct enough. I am writing this comment partially to thank you and partially to remember this approach when I get a *we will let you know* response in the future.
.-= Tom´s last blog ..New Study: How to Donate Money in a Healthy Way =-.
Being rejected is something to think about. It only means that you are unique enough to pose a threat. It means that there is greatness in you that your critics don’t understand. 🙂
Armen,
Your tips on how to respond are fantastic. True jewels and very practical. I’ve never thought of that before now but I’ll definitely be forwarding this to people who don’t take rejection well!
Amit
.-= Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last blog ..Don’t Let The Attitude Of Gratitude Turn You Into A Pushover =-.
Eduard – I appreciate the opportunity here. That is cool about how you teach it to your clients, and how it has a positive effect on them. People sure do open up when we don’t run away from their rejection. It took me a long while to figure out that rejection was mostly about the action, and not about potential.
Quinn – That’s a good point about when we tell ourselves “no”. I don’t listen to that inner voice all the time, and it tends to always be right, so I pay for it a little each time. Our self-rejections are usually very direct and helpful.
Ken – That sure is a scenario when it becomes a legal issue. It makes sense to go for what you see is fair, which is much better than backing down.
Tom – Thanks about that. It sure is worth it to tell folks when they aren’t being direct, because people are more than happy to unleash their direct selves when informed of this.
Walter – That’s a solid way to put it about being unique enough to be a threat. Very good way to turn it around there, and I think it is accurate in most cases. Lack of comprehension on the other end is always a source of our dismay, until we see it for the good we have on our end.
Amit – Thanks there about the response methods. I sure like that it could go to more who get stuck in some way due to rejection. Inaction due to frustration is something that we always regret later, so helping folks avoid this has large value.
.-= Armen Shirvanian´s last blog ..What You Do Is As Intricate As You Make It =-.
A great post and a great reminder to handle rejection gracefully. I’ve often found that hearing ‘no’ now turns into a blessing later. As in, “Thank goodness I didn’t get into that club! They were just on 60 Minutes!” Hearing ‘no’ just means that you now have room in your life for something better to come along.
.-= Meg at Demanding Joy´s last blog ..I’ve Turned the Positivity Corner! =-.
Meg – Thanks about both the post and the reminder. I think you are right about hearing ‘no’ actually being a good thing for later on. Although it seems to have worked out that way for me as well, I still get that negative feeling when I hear a ‘no’ of some sort. It’s a good thing that long-term material is what matters.
Good point about it creating room for some other opportunity.
My read of this is how one can apply a coping mechanism when dealing with rejection. That’s fine but I am not sure that really helps someone develop themselves. I think it is far more important to understand why you have been rejected so you can learn from that. No one likes being rejected however doing the same thing over and over again and getting a similar result (rejection) is not necessarily the most productive course in my opinion (some would say that is insanity).
I think you are right that “The cards are always in your hands” as you stated above. My only recommendation would be to make sure you take advantage of those cards and do something different on your next hand.
Hey Marc,
I like that. I think doing something on the next hand is what gives you that versatility which allows you to develop and better cope with rejection… and life.