Archives for May 2010

Eduard May 31, 2010

Good People Skills = Building Trust

This is a guest post by my friend Maria Dinu (Galca), who is an Effectiveness Coach. She works full time in HR for a Fortune 100 Company, and coaches in her free time. She blogs about how to better manage your life on LifeToolkit.net.

I pride myself with having worked with various types of people in my 10 year career in the NGO and corporate field of HR. I’ve seen young people who were very close-minded, 16 year olds who were wiser than 50 year olds, company leaders who mocked their people, or Finance leaders who could explain the business in 5 minutes to their kid. I’ve had bosses I loved, although they knew little business, and bosses I … well, didn’t like so much, although they were experts.

And there’s one thing I noticed, in all these cases.

In business, and life in general, you’re nothing if you can’t build trust.
Trust = Credibility.
Trust = Leadership.

If people trust you, they will ultimately follow you. As Stephen R. Covey puts it, in his very good book “The Speed of Trust”, trust can get people to accomplish things in a company much, much faster.

Relationships based on trust work faster, because there are no insecurities. There are no check-ups. There are very few fights. And, what’s a company, if not an intricate set of relationships?

How do you build trust?
The saying “It takes 10 years to build trust, and one second to destroy it” is very true. Trust is built through time. But I’ve seen results in months, if not days. Let me tell you a story.

Some years ago, I worked with a person for whom I made every day difficult, on purpose. I’m not proud to say that, and I did not enjoy that time. The reason I did it was that somewhere, in my mind, I had the feeling that new manager would spoil my career. She was new, and she had not established herself correctly in front of our team. So, I said, why not show her that this is not the way things work?
(Of course, things did not work. They only got worse)
What changed dramatically was that I found out she supported me. She talked to me openly about the situation, and showed me she cared. And things did happen. Turns out, I was wrong. And feeling ashamed.
Afterwards, she became, if not a good friend, an esteemed manager from whom I learned a lot, despite differences.

1. The number one way to build trust in your relationships, is show people you care. If your team feels you care, they will be there for you. Go out for coffee with them. One of the very good team leaders I know established excellent relationships with her people from Day 1, taking them out to beer, and saying openly “I’m here for you. I’m human, just as you.” A great HR Manager I worked with gained the trust of her 100+ people saying in an open meeting “I’m here to help.”

2. You don’t need to be a best friend. Only respect your word. OK, going out to beer with the team is a good way to build relationships. But I never went to beer with my previous boss – all the trust established was gained from respecting one’s word.

3. Transparency, even in the worst situations, can gain you more trust and support, than keeping “the bad news” a secret. In the time of crisis, many companies had to let people go. Imagine the number of business managers who had to go in front of their people and say “We’re not doing well.” Who would have the guts to do that?

Well, it turns out from various studies (including the reputed Mc Kinsey) that transparency gains you more trust than if you shove the dirt under the carpet. Going in front of the team and saying “We’re not doing well, and here’s why, and here’s what I’m doing about it” will get your people supporting you than ever. And, you know, it just might be THE thing to get the company out of difficult times.

Building a circle of people who trust you may be the best thing you do in your career. Not only will they recommend you, support you and encourage you, but they will help you reach your goals faster, and in a more productive way than ever before.

Filed Under: Career, People Skills Tagged With: building, good, people, skills, trust 5 Comments

Eduard May 25, 2010

The Elusive Reason Why Success Is Elusive

You may hear people talk about various reasons why success in various areas is so elusive: lack of a clear goal, lack of the right attitude, lack of consistent action – all solid reasons in my view. Yet, at one point in time, whenever I would hear them, I would get a feeling of that’s-not-all-there-is.

I didn’t know what was missing at first, but I eventually found out: the hardest to grasp reason why success is elusive. The reason few people are aware of, so they can’t really address it and get the success they want. Here it is:

Success is in the subtle differences.

That’s it! If you look at two people, one with tremendous success in a certain area and one who is a huge failure in the same area, they are usually not that different in terms of thinking, feeling and behavior.

Sure, they may be some visible personality and behavior differences between them, but most of them are really subtle. Nevertheless, it is these small differences that determine the big difference in their levels of success.

Success Subtlety Explained

Let’s take an example in my familiar area of people skills: a person who seems cool, confident, charismatic and one who doesn’t.

You may easily discover some evident differences between them, like one is dressed in a very stylish way and the other like they’ve received their clothes for charity. And fixing these differences will get them closer in terms of the vibe they send.

However, a huge part of the difference in coolness between them will still be there. Because coolness, confidence and charisma are mostly projected by subtle things such as: a bit more eye contact than most people, a swift smile at just the right moment, choosing one way of phrasing an idea instead of another.

I find that most people are not able to pick up these subtle factors and understand them at a conscious level. This is why a lot of the advice on how to improve your people skills, how to get rich or how to advance in your job seems very general, superficial or simply ineffective. It’s based on a superficial understanding of those key differences between people who have success in these areas and people who don’t.

The Takeaway

The point of this article is not to discourage you. It is to get you to walk that extra mile if you want success, and understand the subtle factors that create it.

In my case, I have studied the area of people skills for more than a decade now, thinking about it obsessively, observing people, researching social dynamics or analyzing the same video material for dozens of times; and I know how much this compound effort helped me.

If you want to understand the subtle factors that create success, here are the action steps I believe will help you the most:

Go beyond general advice and seek more specific and in depth information. General advice is a good start, but it usually does not do a lot by itself to help you grow.
Learn from the specialists, not from the amateurs. Learn from people who dedicate themselves to one area and they grasp that area very well.
Focus your learning. Don’t try to learn everything at once. Choose one personal development area which is important for you and stay on it until you see real improvements, then move on.

Remember: The subtle differences in thinking, feeling and behavior have ripple effects. They create big differences in your external reality. They differentiate people with excellent skills and results from your average Joe.

Filed Under: Psychology, Success Tagged With: elusive, reason, Success 7 Comments

Eduard May 20, 2010

Night Owl Lifestyle

Are you a ‘night owl’? Do you find it hard to go to sleep early at night and when you get up early in the morning it’s like you’ve been hit by a train? Join the team! Night owls are a minority of the population, but a significant one.

It is commonly believed that the sleeping hours night owls have are the result of bad habits. They’ve gotten used to going to bed late and as a result they also get up late or if they get up early they’re tired. While this is sometimes the case and consciously changing sleeping habits can turn night owls into early birds, it is often not the case.

Some serious research now points out that a lot of the night owls’ sleeping patterns are hardwired. Night owls seem to have certain genetic differences which make their circadian rhythm different than the one most people have (it lasts 27 hours instead of 24). And this rhythm creates their distinct sleeping patterns.

From an evolutionary perspective, night owls are an important adaptation in the human race. Think of these people as the night guardians in the times we lived in tribes, who protected the rest of the tribe members from wild animals while they were asleep.

Consciously changing sleeping habits will often not do very much for a natural night owl. As a natural night owl, I can relate to this a lot. I remember how some years back, I had a 1 year period when I would go to bed early and wake up early almost every day. After 1 entire year of this, I was only marginally used to it and I was still drowsy every morning when I woke up.

The thing is, fighting our genetic hardwiring is best to be done if we have no better alternative. But in the case of our sleeping genes, I believe we do. Society usually tells us that ‘early to bed, early to rise’ is the way to go, without giving us convincing evidence.

So if you’re naturally a night owl, I say this: instead of fighting it, learn to use if in your favor. Create a night owl lifestyle for yourself which helps you makes the best of your genetics. Here are some actions you might wanna consider:

1. Party, party, party! What’s the one awake-activity people do more at night time than at day time? OK, now what’s the other one? It’s partying! If you’re a night owl and you like to have fun (who doesn’t?), use this to go out more, socialize more and party more.

I for example go out at least one or two nights every week salsa dancing. It’s addictively fun and it’s one of the best ways I spend my night time. You have your own tastes in partying. Maybe you like talking, not dancing, pubs instead of clubs. Whatever your formula, make some good use of it.

2. Manage your working hours. If you’re a hardcore night owl, a 9 to 5 job will simply not do it for you. You need to adapt you working hours to your sleeping patterns, at least to a certain degree, since the other way around can often be very hard. The point is to work as much as you need, but to be able to choose when you do it.

I think that for night owls it’s best to have jobs with a flexible program, which also involve activities you can do at any time of the day you find convenient. Like writing, creating or researching on the Internet. Night owls will often do much better as entrepreneurs or if they have a very open-minded employer.

3. Deal with prejudice. Night owls are commonly misunderstood; even by themselves. They will often be seen as lazy, lacking commitment or ambition. Sometimes they will even be seen as having less skills or being less intelligent, which I find amusing considering there is also some research which shows that night owls are on average, smarter than other people.

Anyway, if you wanna have a night owl lifestyle, it’s best that you take this social prejudice into account, and deal with it. Sometimes the best way is to just ignore the sarcastic comments about you coming to work later than everyone else; sometimes the best way is to address them head on. It’s your responsibility to find the best way in each situation.

As you learn to make the best out of your circadian rhythm instead of fighting it, you create for yourself a lifestyle which is allows you to have fun and be productive at the same time, without conforming to superficial social standards. This being said, I’m off to party….

Filed Under: Inspirational, Lifestyle, Success Tagged With: Lifestyle, night, owl 8 Comments

Eduard May 16, 2010

Empathy vs. Sympathy: The Big Distinction

Here is one distinction I make which I notice helps a lot of people. It makes it easier for them to take the best decisions in communication and in social interactions with others, and it assists them to improve their people skills. This distinction is between two similar sounding concepts.

Empathy: the ability to understand, perceive and feel another person’s feelings.

Sympathy: the tendency to help others in order to prevent or alleviate their suffering.

These are not exact, dictionary definitions and it seems there are no universally accepted definitions for empathy and sympathy in psychology. These are rather the way I operate with the two concepts, in order to emphasize a couple of key aspects. Here are these aspects:

1) Empathy is always good, sympathy is contextually good.

Understanding the feelings of other people means to access very precious information which you can use in multiple ways.

However, feeling the need to help others is something which from one case to another can be good or bad. Sometimes it can mean honor and building bridges, sometimes it can mean lying, being fake, sacrificing your own needs, not letting others learn on their own and other pointless people pleasing behaviors.

2) You can have one, without the other.

This is the most important part. You can have sympathy with only a vague understanding of the other person’s feelings. You can also understand exactly how bad a person feels and still be capable of not helping her.

You can be a highly empathic person and still have your freedom to act in they ways you think are best, whether they involve helping others or not. You can have empathy and have options at the same time.

Let’s say a friend of yours invites you to their birthday party. While you would like to go, in the very same day there is a conference in another town that you would like to go to even more than the birthday party.

Having empathy means that you understand this will make you friend feel hurt, maybe even a little angry. Having sympathy only as an option means that although you understand this, you can still say no to their invitation and go to the conference instead of the party, without feeling bad. This example is something that actually happened to me recently, and the conference was my choice.

Why is this distinction essential?

It’s essential because when it comes to people skills, many believe that the ability to be empathic and the tendency to have sympathy are the same thing: If you have empathy, you have sympathy. If you understand how badly a person feels then you can’t help but help them in some way, even if rationally you know it’s a poor decision.

As another implication, since many people believe empathy and sympathy can only go hand in hand, they also think that in order to not have sympathy, you have to sacrifice you empathy. You have to become ignorant and numb.

Also, they often believe that they automatically have a lot of empathy because they tend to help others all the time. All of these ideas… are incorrect.

When you have a good understanding of the fact that empathy and sympathy are related phenomena but they go in separate boxes, you can learn to have empathy without always having sympathy, and you take your people skills to the next level.

PS: I now blog and share advice over here. Connect with me.

Filed Under: Attitude, People Skills, Psychology Tagged With: big, distinction, empathy, sympathy 19 Comments

Eduard May 9, 2010

Why Less Is More in Personal Development

I was reading earlier today a presentation of a one-day communication skills training, and browsing over the content. This training covers everything from non-verbal communication, to conflict management, to business communication, to presenting with impact. All in just one, single day!

There was a point a long time ago when I used to do the same. I thought that if I could get everything in there, in as little time as possible, I would deliver a very valuable training. I would also approach my personal development the same way. I would read and browse like a maniac through 5 or 10 books on people skills, then I would decide to practice it…all.

I was naïve, impatient, and had a fragile understanding of human learning. Looking at this way of doing personal development now, whether it’s people skills, confidence, productivity or anything else, it really amuses me.

Here’s the point: people don’t learn that way. A human being is not a computer on which you can install every piece software you’ll ever need in 24 hours, and get it over with. It’s rather like a computer with a 2 Mb software install limit for each day. So it will take you about 3 years just to install the basic operating system (aham… Windows?).

Trying to absorb a lot of information, on various areas of a big topic, in a short amount of time, and then to practice it all is a highly ineffective attempt some people make at developing real skills. It doesn’t work for a couple of reasons:

You try to cover a lot of concepts and ideas, you only get a superficial understanding of each one;
You overcharge your memory and you forget that vast majority of the theory you learn;
You instantly get de-motivated when you think about starting to practice, because you have so much to practice;
You end up practicing a bit of everything, which doesn’t make anything truly stick and leads nowhere.

The only way reading a lot without applying can make practical sense is if you’re in a phase where you just want to expose yourself to as many ideas as possible on a certain topic, so you can then choose on which to focus on. But the way I see it, this isn’t personal development, it’s just a preparatory, exploratory phase. Don’t expect to grow your skills from this.

The effective way to develop real skills and attitudes is to focus on the key ideas which have the most value for you, explore them in more detail, hammer them into your head and practice them consistently. And you do this one by one with each key idea, instead of all at once.

When I do coaching and trainings on people skills, I follow this exact principle. Some of my clients are initially surprised by the small number of ideas I cover, but as they move to applying them, they quickly understand why I have this approach. And have you noticed that I also usually write in the same manner?

There is more to effective personal development than meets the eye. We all want to improve fast, to absorb as much information as possible in as little time as possible, and then to watch our skills grow by themselves out of this process.

But this is not how self-growth happens. It’s a gradual process, which relies mostly on chunking things down, action, and persistence. This is why in personal development, less is more.

Filed Under: Personal Development, Psychology Tagged With: development, less, more, personal 14 Comments

Eduard May 4, 2010

VIP Lifestyle – Get Your Free Ebook

Ladies and gents,

I am thrilled to present…

VIP Lifestyle: A People-System for Creating Your Ultimate Lifestyle. This short ebook is a practical guide at the intersection of lifestyle design (one of my biggest passions) and people skills (my area of expertise).

I’ve worked like crazy for a couple of weeks, conceptualizing, writing and editing to make this ebook as powerful as possible, while still keeping it an easy read.

In VIP Lifestyle, I’ll share with you some of the most valuable lesson I’ve learned about using the way you communicate and relate with others to create a rich, exciting and fulfilling life for yourself. These are lessons drawn from my personal experiences, as well as my experiences working as a communication coach.

The topic of lifestyle design is booming in popularity. However, you don’t hear or read a lot about people skills in relation with creating an extraordinary lifestyle. People skills are often ignored or treated superficially, tacking a backseat to topics such as productivity or financial planning.

After 8 years of helping people improve their people skills, I firmly believe that in this complex social system we live, people skills play a huge role in creating an exceptional lifestyle for yourself. They can make or break your lifestyle.

In VIP Lifestyle, you will discover:

Why and what people skills are an essential ingredient for creating your ultimate lifestyle;
How to communicate better and get the results you want;
How to promote yourself, your ideas and your services effectively;
How to build quality relationships with others and have a rich social life;
How to effectively take your learning one step further than reading this book.

The key concepts explored include: personal boundaries, confidence in communication, persuasion, being sociable and networking.

Here is the really good news…

I’ve decided to make this ebook (value $12.95) available for free. Yes, for FREE.

All you have to do is subscribe to this blog.

After subscribing, every article you will receive from People Skills Decoded will contain a download link at the bottom, which will take you to VIP Lifestyle.

You will need Adobe Reader to open the ebook, and to save a copy on your computer. If you’re already subscribed to my blog, have no fear: you too will be able to download VIP Lifestyle for free with every article you receive.

This is high value content that I’m basically giving away for free. I’m sure a lot of people will benefit from reading it and using it. Please help me spread the word.

Filed Under: Lifestyle, People Skills Tagged With: ebook, free, Lifestyle, vip 16 Comments