When I was in high school, some people used to say about me that I was mysterious. I kind of liked it. This was the result of me keeping mostly to myself, talking about facts and stuff I read but not talking a lot about myself, not expressing my feelings or my beliefs, especially if they differed from those of other people present.
I was also… shy. Over time, I realized that being mysterious was just the flip side of being shy. And since the negative effects vastly outgrew the appeal of my mystery, I decided to shed it altogether. As part of improving my people skills. Now, looking at the trait of being mysterious in general, I see its benefits as vastly overrated.
For a lot of people, a mysterious person has a sort of charm and it gets them interested. There are some psychological phenomena at work here which fascinate me. Firstly, humans are naturally very curious creatures, interested in the unknown. We are drawn to mystery and we seek to solve it. Secondly, mystery often makes our part if the brain which creates fantasies go wild. We start to imagine all sorts of things about a mysterious person and what she has to hide.
All fine and dandy so far. There is only one problem: the appeal of being mysterious doesn’t last. And this happens for one of two reasons:
- Either we solve the mystery, we discover the real person, and then the source of the appeal is gone;
- Or we don’t solve the mystery, but we quickly get used to it and it becomes boring, uninteresting.
Whichever road you take, the result is pretty much the same. Being mysterious ends up in being a blur. This does not mean you should start pouring your heart out in the first 30 seconds of every interaction with a new person. That can be traumatizing. And it doesn’t mean it’s not a good idea to keep some parts of you and your life private, at least to some people.
What it does mean is to not be mysterious as a person, as a whole. It means to be more open and expressive than mysterious. I means being (do I dare to say it?)… authentic.
One interesting thing I discovered is that the correlation between mystery and shyness is very common. Most people who are very mysterious are actually shy. They don’t think they’re good enough to put themselves out there, they think they have bad people skills and they’re afraid of being rejected.
On the other hand, a confident person, who is comfortable in her own skin and trusts her people skills, will usually be very expressive in social interactions. This person will talk about her experiences, her life, her belief and her feelings. Good or bad, conventional or unconventional. Self-expression is a natural thing for human beings. But a lot of us have learned to fight it.
When instead of being mysterious, you are expressive, what you create is not a short lasting appeal and interest in you. What you create is lasting appeal, based on your confidence, and a deeper, more intimate connection with other people. This is what I think we need more of in this world. Not being mysterious, like in a romance novel.
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You can be expressive, but “mysterious”. Mysterious, to me, means you’re undefinable and have depth. When you have depth and consistently show the different sides to your personality, that’s when people will call you mysterious. And that’s a good thing.
.-= Brett – DareToExpress.com´s last blog ..Martin Luther King Jr. and Expression =-.
I was shy, still am, but no one ever called me mysterious. I think shyness is a kind of disease that does a lot of harm to the person who suffers from it. A lot of opportunities are lost to shyness.
.-= Gordie´s last blog ..Personal Development Through Song: “You’re The Best”. =-.
I tend to get the mysterious label once in a while. I really enjoy listening to others and their stories, but sometimes that gets mistaken as boring or shy. Only if people knew…
.-= Ken Kurosawa´s last blog ..A Proven Way to Boost Brain Performance in 30 Minutes =-.
Hi Eduard!
Great post! And it brought back memories.
Like Gordie, I was shy when I was growing up. I don’t think anyone saw me as mysterious. If they did, it never got back to me.
And also like Gordie, I think that shyness was one of my greatest afflictions growing up. It really does cause huge problems for people.
Instead of mysterious (which at least has a short-term upside), I think that people (kids back then) simply didn’t see me. I was great at being invisible. Which works great when you are shy and don’t want to be seen.
I remember cute girls having open conversations around me and I am pretty sure that they didn’t even notice I was there, though they certainly couldn’t have missed me if they just looked! They would talk around and through me. I actually thought it was kind of a cool experiment to watch them do this. I felt like the invisible man. Nothing like making the most of a bad situation.
I think that shy people might hope to be seen as mysterious. And I agree with your views on that, Eduard. But the real problem is the shyness itself.
Too many parents (particularly moms in my experience) think that shyness is cute. So they unintentionally encourage it in their kids. And those kids grow up failing to seize the opportunities in front of them because they can’t even come out of their shell and show up in life.
Oh well, like I said, this one brought back memories. Rather tender ones, apparently.
Thanks for putting this out there!
All the best,
Hugh
.-= Hugh DeBurgh – The Passionate Warrior´s last blog ..The 4th Secret to Living the Good Life =-.
Hey Eduard:
Very interesting idea. Haven’t thought about it like that. I was very shy when growing up. I was afraid of social interactions.
Right now, I could just call myself calm. I am not shy, but it seems that others perceive me as such because I do not go out of my way to talk to others or express an opinion when communicating.
That does not make me mysterious however. I don’t think.
Shyness and mystery are correlated, but being shy does not imply being mysterious. I have been called mysterious, but just because I would not put myself completely out there. Why? Because I did not think that people should know everything about me.
In relationships especially, I think it is important to keep something to yourself, so the other person does not see right through you, it kind of kills the fun. But I do understand what you mean when you say that people get bored of mystery.
However, I think there is a condition to that. People get bored of mystery if the other person does not reveal anything about themselves at all. Then it’s just weird. However, if the mysterious persons reveals himself/herself bit by bit, then it becomes a game of sort, that’s how you create attraction.
Just my two cents.
Best,
Tomas
@Brett: This is an interesting definition of being mysterious. And this one truly sounds like a quality without a flip side. Although I don’t think it’s what most people mean when they label someone as mysterious.
@Gordie: Hell yeah! If there is one trait which I think can sabotage you big time, it’s being very shy. This is not one of those things you just embrace and ignore. If you’re shy, work on it!
@Ken: I know the feeling. A lot of things can be mistaken for being shy. Like, actually listening to people.
@Hugh: thanks for sharing your story. That was pretty much me in high school.
@Tomas: I think there is a way of being mysterious which does not correlate with being shy, just with having solid boundaries. And I respect that a lot. I also think that most people who are very mysterious and basically do not open up are actually shy.
For me it was a different problem. I was shy, but that would not stop me from talking once I started 😀 Indeed one of my major goals was to control more what I said and also remove my fear.
.-= Oscar – freestyle mind´s last blog ..Concentration Music Playlists =-.
Hey, I know some people like that. They just can’t tolerate silences. Funny thing is a lot of time, people mistake this with being very sociable. Maybe I’ll write a post about it. 😉