If you’re shy, learning how to stop being shy, whether it’s around girls, guys or people in general could be one of the most important things you’ll learn in your entire life.
Once you understand how to stop being shy, you can become more confident, connect with others better and have and enormous amount of fun in social settings. As a social confidence coach, I’ve been able to observe repeatedly how learning this can turn a person’s life around.
There is a lot of advice out there on how to stop being shy. Regrettably, most of it comes from people who don’t have a real comprehension of the psychology of shyness, and it’s too naive or vague to actually do anything for you.
I want to provide you the advice that truly works. So I’m gonna point out the four crucial actions that if you take, will truly allow you to stop being so shy.
1. Stop Being Shy by Starting To Be More Social
Shy people typically get this the other way around. Many social settings make them feel anxious, so they try to find ways to get rid of this social anxiety from home, so they can then be more social.
But the trick is that to a large degree, you get rid of the anxiety by being more social.
Even if social settings make you nervous, you get into them anyway instead of avoiding them. Even if being more talkative is challenging for you, you push yourself to talk more anyway.
You deliberately do the things you fear. And as you do so, you gain social experience and you gradually become more accustomed to engaging in social interactions. Thus, your shyness dwindles away.
If you find it too hard to push against the anxiety and be more outgoing, you simply have to find social opportunities where it’s easier to do so. Start with those and gradually move up. This is a key idea concerning how to stop being shy.
2. Catch Your Distorted Thinking
Working with shy people, I’ve noticed that without exception, they have a way of seeing themselves and seeing social interactions that is largely inaccurate.
For instance, they may see themselves as uninteresting when this is clearly not the case, or they may think others are making fun on them in a social settings although there is little evidence to support this notion.
When talking about how to stop being shy, I always emphasize how important it is to identify this inaccurate thinking.
Doing so achieves two things. First, it gives you more motivation to go out, face your fears and be social, because you know your fears are not rational. Second, it enables you to correct the flaws in your thinking. Which leads me to my next point…
3. Put Your Thinking Straight
I often like to refer to shyness as a mental bug. You’re thinking is bugged: it generates distorted predictions and interpretations, which creates nervousness. And you need to debug your mind.
Once you know what’s inaccurate in your thinking, you can start to practice thinking in a new, more constructive way.
You can begin to see your qualities, not just your flaws, see the things you do right, not just the things you do wrong, and not make a big deal out of doing something silly in front of others once in a while.
This video I created explains in more detail how to correct your thinking effectively and make the fastest progress possible. Make sure to check it out.
As you practice this new type of thinking, it gradually replaces the old type and it builds your social confidence.
4. Keep Walking
The last but possibly the most valuable thing to realize is that once you know how to stop being shy, it’s not enough. It’s the implementation that yields results.
I’ve seen many people turn from shy to social: young and old, guys and girls. What they all have in common is that they found a method for overcoming shyness that works and they applied it consistently for at least a couple of months.
And through this continuous application over a period of time, they effectively reprogrammed their thinking, feelings and behavior. This is what enabled them to be more outgoing, make friends and fully enjoy social interactions.
Watch this presentation I designed to find out the exact steps these people applied to eradicate their shyness. If you want to achieve the same results, this is a must see presentation.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to keep walking; to apply the knowledge consistently.
One of the most common mistakes shy people make is that they give up too soon, often when the results just started to show and their confidence is close to taking off. And this is precisely what keeps them stuck.
Learn, apply, persist and be willing to invest in yourself. This is the recipe for the utmost success in overcoming your shyness. There is a big, beautiful world out there, with lots of cool people in it. And they’re all waiting for you.
Image courtesy of dreamylittledancer
May 19, 2012 at 1:28 am
well im not kinda shy im anxoius if i talk 2 a beuatiful girl and someone gets into my buyisness and stares at me saying wtf is this guy doing shes not going to like him but all in all im hella good lookin is jst when somone cock blocks it annoys me and makes me really anxoius and embarased what should i do to fix this??
June 16, 2012 at 12:35 am
I need help to!!!!!
February 15, 2013 at 7:34 pm
It’s not a technique thing. It’s a confidence thing. If you’re confident, you’ll remain unfazed and you’ll instinctively know how to react. I suggest you get on my social confidence newsletter, because I share useful advice there on building social confidence. Here: http://www.socialconfidencesecrets.com
June 1, 2012 at 5:18 am
Decide ahead of time that “when somone cock blocks it + annoys ” you, you’re gonna be ready for it and make it work in your favor. Like if someone tries to cock block , you can make.a joke of.it to her to diminish your frustration
in the process you’ll get her to laugh…
I
July 22, 2012 at 2:47 pm
i just have a huge problem with talking most of the time cause they tend to never act interested to what i have to say and when they do,i seem to can never say exactly whats on my mind,so i say only 10% of what i want to say,which leaves me talking about things short. But i also get nervous when i go to see people,and i know a lot are there,like church for instance,i could never shake that nervousness off for nothing,still can’t,it’s like I’m afraid or something,idk,but i just can’t shake being shy and nervous for nothing. Yet ill have days to where I’m not at all ,almost a completely different person..life’s just really odd
November 12, 2012 at 9:22 pm
smh i know right..you just explained exactly what im like 110 percent
February 15, 2013 at 7:38 pm
Yeah, it’s hard to make fluent conversation and keep people interested when you feel nervous. The abxiety will mes up your thinking and your vibe. If I were you, I’d work on mastering my emotions above all. It’s gonna take some practice, but you can do it. These days, I share most of my advice on how to do this in my free newsletter, so get on board at http://www.socialconfidencesecrets.com
May 14, 2013 at 6:05 am
Im very shy…mainly because when i do talk, people are so used to me not talking to them that they make a huge deal put of it. They say “omg she talked, guys come over here and listen! She said something!” Like im a freak. And im just over here like well yea im not mute! I also can relate to the over thinking leads to nervous thing definantly!
August 5, 2012 at 7:53 pm
Well I’m only shy at like school & other public places , but I’m never shy at home . But I think it’s just a matter of me caring for what people think of me which I really shouldn’t care about , right ?
February 15, 2013 at 7:39 pm
Right. And you probably already know that the people at home will like you no matter what. But at school or in public, there is a risk that people will reject you. And that’s what you have to accept.
May 10, 2013 at 2:45 pm
im like almost out of my shell at school, im talking more now, and i stop blushing, but for sum reason shyness seems 2 craw back on me im like wtf is going on. but the thing thats really wierd is that @ home im not shy for sum apperent reason idk, can sum1 help me its like im hanging on by a thred of getting out of my shell 4ever……
August 24, 2012 at 6:59 pm
I get really shy. Around anyone , I start to blush and my legs shake, and I don’t look people in the eye, it’s mainly with a group of people , I just feel like I’m not interesting enough.. I try to overcome it but it’s so difficult
May 19, 2013 at 6:17 pm
I now the feeling of not being interesting enough Paty. I used to have it. But really, it’s mostly a limiting belief. And you can overcome it. Have you joined my social confidence newsletter yet? I write articles for it about changing your self-image regularly.
October 7, 2012 at 12:22 am
Ok if your shy because you think what ur saying isint interesting just try to say somthing that fits in the conversation chances are 9 out of 10 of the time you’ll come off interesting and fun also a little self confidence doesent hurt however do not get too cocky nither girls or boys like that so keep it simple and if you like the person be nice funny and what ever you do DO NOT critisize them.
November 8, 2012 at 4:46 pm
i find myself shy when it comes to meetings, i find that i am ussualy the one standing on the edge of the group watching all the guys and girls talk and exchange hugs, i use to be the one in the group but i dont know what made me fall out. i always feel like they are ignoring me and i beleive they are i am never invited to anything but when i ask im told that i am allowed. unless i ask or talk to them i do not exist. please help me
November 24, 2012 at 8:42 am
I’m not exactly a very confident person when it comes to talking to people who I don’t know very well. Recently I was got a job and ever since I started working, I haven’t been able to interact with my co-workers much up until a week ago. Although I made this progress I still feel shy and like whatever I say is uninteresting. After reading this I can see why I am shy.
January 1, 2013 at 2:43 pm
I am a very shy because I hate when attention is on me. I can be outgoing just I dint want people to notice me making a whole 180 and question me for it. How would I get over that?
January 2, 2013 at 4:19 pm
What’s wrong with people noticing you making a 180? It’s not ideal, but is it that big of a deal? I think this fear of people judging you is what you need to overcome. And you do that be learning to think about it in a more positive, realistic way.
January 8, 2013 at 6:58 am
I just recently moved away from my home town after 14 years to a new school. I’ve been here for about 5 months and I still get scared and nervous when I’m around people I don’t know. When I walk down the halls in the morning I feel like I can’t breathe because I feel like people are looking at me. When I know and answer to a question in class I feel like I can’t speak even though I want to and when I do get called on my chest gets really tight and my hands get sweaty. As much ad I want to make more friends I feel like I would have a panic attack if I did and I have no clue how to change.
January 19, 2013 at 4:00 pm
I can relate to most of your comments. My reason for being shy is not only because I feel like what I have to say in social settings isn’t interested, but also because it may sound stupid. This is really frustrating for me. I have no friends because of my awkward shyness. The people at my new job doesn’t care to be around me or get to know me. At this point of my life I’ve come to realize that no one would really care if I disappeared one day. I’ve become a nonfactor in life. I really need help on improving my personality.
January 22, 2013 at 2:26 am
well i have the same exact problem; very shy, especially when it comes to meeting new people i feel my anxiety kicking in when i get around people outside my family but the thing is i been MUTE since i was a child i never said anything not one single word as i got older i was still like that but a little more talkative i think that iam startibg to see a improvement in my socail life its defiantely getting better i guess bcuz now im finding out more about myself j want to change these things about me because me being shy it just takes over me most of the time n i hate that.. im like that with my boyfriend he never complains cuz i do little talking but only when he asks me a question or saying something to me i will have a very short conversation idk how to even start a conversation & im thinking maybe it is me just constantly thinkin about how i sound well my boyfriend he knows me but i do sometimes feel like by me being that shy is going to eventually make me lose him cuz i dnt talk enough im shy n sometimes i cany help it cuz it gets the best of me i thought i had a speach problem but now that i know its just me its just my shyness getting the best of me n i keep letting it i want to talk i want to be more open i want my thinking to be right instead of me thinking im going crazy when thats really not the case i just need to do it n stop thinking about it.. my boyfriend is soo good with me hes very patient with me.. i crave for this everyday n i pray god is getting me thru this everyday! i need to be ably ta talk to get a job i got to be able to open my mouth to move forward or ima be stuck n this same shy spot that i let get the best of me i guess everyday is a working process pleasee god get me thru this…
January 31, 2013 at 6:41 am
Im always afraid that the thing i say are too silly or abstract. Maybe the person I’m talking too will judge me. There are so many people out there who are hard to talk to. Crowds are awful, I was chosen today to help demonstrate something in anatomy and the girl I was working with asked me if I was okay because I was shaking so much. And yeah, I hate social situations, they screw up so often.
February 11, 2013 at 6:08 pm
i’m not really that shy, only if there are like, a lot of people around that i don’t really know. i’m kinda getting better with this tho. if i feel like talking to yhu or getting to know yhu, i’ll go up to yhu and say, ‘hey, whats up?’ or something like that. now that i’m talking more, i have a lot more friends
<3 good article BTW.
February 18, 2013 at 2:13 am
I want to be able to sing and dance in front of a crowd and i’m much of a social person so i will try doing as advised.But i have no friends and anyone other than my mum listens to me when i talk.I’m home educated,I’m a very quiet girl who is like wanting to sing and dance and maybe act.I need some serious help.So please someone help me.
February 21, 2013 at 5:15 am
It’s so weird because my shyness is selective. Sometimes I’m extremely outgoing I would make jokes and then other times my heart races when asked to speak in public or speaking to someone who is overly extroverted. I am very self conscious about the person/people I am speaking to and whether or not if they are judging me. I despise whenever people ask me, “Why are you so quiet.” and it makes me feel even worse about myself. I also think extremely a lot before I speak and it affects my conversation from being natural. I also had an extroverted boyfriend and I felt so uncomfortable to speak for no reason. He always had interesting stories to tell and my response would always be very short to any topic of conversation that we had and it made me feel as if I sucked as a girlfriend and that I was boring. I do remember dating in high school a guy who was extremely extroverted and oddly enough we got along great and we are good friends because we share the same issues but are totally comfortable around each other. I do want to change not only to be interesting in social conversations but I aspire to be a pharmacist and I don’t want my SA to affect my career. I’m in graduate school so I’m forced to present oral presentations in class which helps with my shyness I just wish this feeling of SA would go away!!
February 23, 2013 at 11:45 am
Well I am the shyest girl in my whole class possibly the school! I am in year 7 and I have a boyfriend and I am so so shy around him and I hardley talk to him and nearly all the girls in my class say ” Why are so quite? ” I don’t say anything because it makes me upset!! How can I get rid of my shyness it is stoping me from getting friends!!
March 22, 2013 at 10:50 pm
I am a bit shy,too.The thing is at home I’m very outgoing , but in school I’m more reserved and in places where I know that I’ll probably never see those people again I’m pretty open to other people and can even talk to them…my friends see me as a confident person, but I am not most of the time I pretend to be. Often I have those paranoid thoughts that people are talking about me/looking at me, although it’s obvious that they aren’t. Moreover, due to experience I have issues trusting people and opening up to them.That’s why I when get to know people I tell them superficial stories that happened and never stories where I could feel vulnerable, because I fear that it could be used against me. Moreover there are situations where I want to compliment or console s.o. , but then I keep my mouth shut and do nothing and other situations I just feel akward although the people are so nice to me.In Addition, around guys I’m pretty shy
April 18, 2013 at 1:38 am
I really like this article, thank you. I have a very bad few weeks everyone is picking on me. Once people at work or wherever find out you have shyness and anxiety they try to pick on you, not everyone but the group dominates any environment. Nobody cares if you have food to eat or a place to sleep. This is the really had part to overcome severe anxiety and shyness… Nobody outside the blog gives a shit and most of them actually see you as unprotected class of disability so they just take free reign to pick on you and hurt you. I am very depressed today.. Please ignore me.. I want to change so badly.
April 21, 2013 at 10:19 am
I recently started university and im shy and anxious all the time. In the beginning i made quite a few friends but they slowly met other friends and somehow ive ended up all aone, thats what makes me feel like theres something wrong with me and im not interesting enough and its just made my social interactions worse because im scared that other people might also reject me.
April 24, 2013 at 10:33 am
I’m still really shy around people that I don’t know well. I get quiet and when I do talk I mumble and mess up what I’m saying, simply because I have no idea what to talk about with them. My mind just goes completely blank, and the more I think about what to say the less I come up with.
April 28, 2013 at 6:22 am
Thank you for the advice it really helped me its true being shy is hard to stop but we have to keep trying and never give up in yourself! if you belive you can do it then its going to happen!
April 29, 2013 at 5:24 pm
Im facing it right now. I can’t really handle my shyness. Just today my boss talk to me and told suggestion about me. He says that im too shy and i should really make friends with my officemates but im too coward to make the first move. Im less than a month old in the company ive been working now. I dont have any problem with my job but to relate and socialize to people was difficult for me. Im really a shy person but im really trying to adjust to. Maybe im just adjusting with the environment now. But i really love to make friends.
May 17, 2013 at 2:32 am
I’m very shy at school. I’m always mute. (I HYATE TO ADMIT THAT) At home I’m not shy at all. I’m always happy and very loud. Like my neighbors told me to shut up lol. But at school it’s different. I feel like they’re all just staring at me and how weird I look and the way I am. I guess i don’t have confidence at school. Whenever I talk they’re like “OMFG, she talked!!!” I HATE it absolutely. Whenver I’m just trying to fit in, they just ruin it. I’m always talking in my head. Nobody is listening and nobodys judging me inside my head. I liked it that way but now it’s just starting to bug me. “OMG, look at her! OMG she talked!” Screw that. Im just trying to fit in. Now that I say more and more, it’s never gonna help me at all. I don’t like the words, “quiet and shy”. I hate it., I’m like the only one who has a problem with this. I don’t know but I’ll try to get more confidence to myself at school. “school”.. Yeah like I’m ever gonna fit in. People these days are so annoying. I HATE EVERYBODY. Honestly! AND don’t judge me!!! (AND I DONT HAVE ANGER ISSUES) Sorry but just sharing.