January 6, 2011

How to Make Small Talk

Many people don’t know how to make small talk. Often, these people are busy, results-oriented individuals, they have big goals and they don’t see the point of making small talk.

Thus, there is a double challenge I’m going to address here: not only clarifying how to makes small talk with style, but also what is it’s precise significance in social situations and interactions.

Why Making Small Talk Matters

Small talk is often seen as meaningless conversation motivated by social politeness: It lacks meaning and value, but you do it because that’s the proper thing. Well, I couldn’t disagree more with this idea.

In my definition, small talk is conversation on safe and somewhat superficial subjects (the weather, the news, the hottest movies or the latest fashion), but it is not meaningless conversation.

Personally, I’ve learned to stay away from meaningless conversation. If I don’t enjoy it and don’t find significance in it, I do one of two things: I change the subject or I eject. Other than the topic, there is nothing small about small talk and this is why knowing how to make small talk matters as a people skill.

Before anything else, you need to realize that if you struggle with making small talk, it’s to a large extent a confidence issue. People who are confident in social interactions are naturally able to make small talk and connect with others.

So one way or another, you’ll need to get this handled. My conversation confidence presentation will provide you a solid foundation for this. So check it out here for free and learn the secrets to being a confident conversationalist. It’s loaded with practical advice.

Keep It Meaningful

Making small talk makes a lot of sense with people you’ve just met. Imagine asking a person you know for 30 seconds: “So, how’s you sex life?” That is waaay too intrusive! Small talk on the other hand provides a method to ease into the discussion.

When I make small talk, the subjects may be superficial for comfort, but they’re subjects I care about and I approach in straightforward manner, staying away from clichés. This way, I make the discussion meaningful for me and frequently, as a result, for the other person.

Even if I’ll chat with a person I’ve just met about the weather, I’ll make the conversation meaningful. For example, if it’s winter I’ll mention how I don’t like the cold weather, how it probably has something to do with the fact I was born in mid-summer and how I can’t wait for the summer and the sunny beach.

Focus on what is interesting as a topic and on what is real within you. You’ll make the talk fun even though you keep it small.

Have a Life

It’s easy to make small talk when you have a lot of things to chat about. One key realization I had as a social confidence coach is that people who know how to make small talk well have a rich inner and especially outer life.

Conversation is for them just a matter of expressing that. It’s much harder to make small talk well when all you do is work a repetitive job or play on the computer all day.

A rich lifestyle creates content and it helps you engage others. If you don’t have one, it’s time to create it: read, travel, try new things, take on various hobbies, do some charity work and of course, socialize. Not only that this will help your conversations, but it will make your whole life a lot more rewarding as well.

Care about the Vibe More Than About the Topic

A conversation is much more than an exchange of facts and ideas. It is an exchange of energy. What many people miss is that when you know how to make small talk, it means you can create a positive exchange of energy.

The topic is just an excuse, so it doesn’t have to be a deep topic. When I’m out with my friends, we’ll spend hours talking about clothes, pubs, scooters or trends. And we’ll have a blast because the vibe of the entire interaction is positive and relaxed.

When you’re making small talk, you want to focus more on being friendly and positive than on picking the right topic or saying the right things. Smile, relax, joke around, be spontaneous and be silly.

Remember that your vibe comes mainly from your attitude, and watch this instructional presentation I created, as it will give you a sensible guide to improving your confidence in social interactions.

Don’t Get Stuck In Small Talk

Last but not least, keep in mind that small talk is not a destination. It’s just a temporary station. If an interaction with a person goes well, do move the conversation to deeper and more personal topics.

You can talk about topics such as family and relationships, career plans, life goals, challenges and so on. You now find yourself in a new land: the land of big talk.

Ultimately, a strong bond between two people is created when they talk about the most meaningful things, in the most meaningful way. Conversation is very much like a journey into a mysterious forest, and a deeper you go in it, the more intriguing it gets.

I believe that knowing how to make small talk is one of the key people skills to master. From there, if you also know how to have charisma and engage others in more intimate conversation, you can get outstanding results with people and you can build a highly fulfilling social life for yourself.

Image courtesy of Ivan Makarov

Filed Under: Communication Skills, People Skills Tagged With: , , , 16 Comments
December 29, 2010

The Best of 2010 on People Skills Decoded

It has been a flourishing year on People Skills Decoded. I’ve let my mind run wild in 2010 and I’ve structured some of my best insights into over 70 articles published here this year.

Now, at the end of the year, it’s a good moment to look back on this body of knowledge and point out some of the best articles of 2010 on People Skills Decoded.

I’ve selected the best articles of this year based on several criteria, including the number of readers, number of comments, quality of feedback, number of Retweets and Facebook likes, and my personal appreciation of the articles on top of it all.

Here are the best 10 articles of 2010 on this blog (in chronological order), articles which I encourage you to read or re-read.

Positive Thinking Won’t Help You Now

The very first article of 2010, in which I discuss the concept of positive thinking and explain why positive thinking can be just as dangerous as negative thinking if used at the wrong time, in the wrong way.

The Law of Attraction vs. Science

I had clients who decided to work with me as their coach after reading this article. It’s a pragmatic, scientific debunking of the famous Law of Attraction which in my view isn’t really a law; it is rather pumped-up hype.

The Ultimate Tool for Managing Your Emotions

People ask me so often what methods I recommend for managing emotions that early this year I decided to write an article about the methods I use the most: CBT and CBC. From that moment on, whenever I get that question, I point to this article.

Why Attitude, Not Aptitude, Determines Your Altitude

The most read and discussed article I’ve ever written (so far). This is my statement on the importance of attitude above skills and why a have and attitude-based approach to communication coaching.

Why Being Yourself Is Hard and How to Actually Achieve It

Authenticity is a huge topic for me. I constantly find that people want to become more authentic, but they fail miserably. This article explains why and provides my insights into the real art of being yourself.

Top 10 Lessons Learned From Coaching 100 People

This year I’ve reached a major threshold in coaching: 100 clients. It was such an important moment in my career that I simply had to write an article drawing from this experience to mark the occasion.

How to Deal With Toxic People

I fully realized how common toxic people are after I published this article, because I received a lot of positive feedback about it. I still get emails from readers to thank me for it and tell me about the toxic people they’re cutting loose from their lives.

Get Off the Therapy Couch! Why Exploring the Past Is Nonsense

This was a controversial article which presents an important part of my philosophy for coaching. It explains why I believe exploring the past is pretty much a useless process and how real self-growth happens in the here and now.

Email Etiquette at Work

I was surprised by how much this article was shared and liked on Facebook in the first days after having published it. My readers seem to have deeply appreciated the simple, practical tips for effective email communication I present in it.

Nice Guy Syndrome

A recent article on one of my favorite topics. I couldn’t pass the opportunity to show the dark side of being a nice guy and encourage men towards a more confident, independent attitude. And the readers responded highly positively to this.

That’s it for 2010. Bigger and bolder things are coming for me and for People Skills Decoded in 2011; and I wish you the same!

Image courtesy of pfala

Filed Under: Inspirational, News, People Skills Tagged With: , , , , 4 Comments
December 13, 2010

How to Be Charismatic

Charisma is a sexy word and a sexy trait. I believe that knowing how to be charismatic can greatly enhance your relationships, your career and your social life, so I couldn’t pass up writing about it.

What Is Charisma?

Charisma is hard to define exactly, which is why, interestingly enough, many definitions will actually mention that it’s hard to define exactly.

This is probably because there are so many kinds of people, with so different personalities that are commonly labeled as being charismatic. What do Gandhi and Oprah have in common? Not much, but they’re both considered highly charismatic.

That’s just it with charisma: it’s not one trait, it is rather a label we use to describe a wide range of personality traits. Basically, anytime someone makes us feel warm and tingly inside on a consistent basis, we call that person “charismatic”.

The critical thing all charismatic people have in common is a strong appeal to others which enables them to connect with others and influence them at a deep emotional level. For this reason, I think that knowing how to be charismatic is a noteworthy thing. This being said…

Here’s How to Be Charismatic

Now, there may be many types of charisma, but there is a common thread running through all of them. Understand this common thread and you’re on your way to consciously developing your charisma and skyrocketing your people skills.

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As a social confidence coach, charisma is one of the most fascinating traits for me to study. I believe there are five important things you need to do in order to be charismatic.

1. Fucking Relax!

Every charismatic person I’ve ever known or studied is very comfortable in social situations. They are able to relax around people and have chill interactions, or else they are able to fake it really, really well.

Now, I want to emphasize that this is rare: most people aren’t fully relaxed and themselves in most social interactions, with the exception of those with close friends and family. There is a certain degree of discomfort they feel in social interactions. Learn to get over that, and you send out a radically different vibe.

If this is an issue for you, check out my free conversation confidence guide. In this guide, I’ll reveal to you the secrets to becoming confident and relaxed in social settings. Go here to learn more about it.

2. Be Present

Another thing charismatic people have in common is that they are present in social interactions. They’re not in their heads, hyper-analyzing the interaction or imagining where it will go. They are in the moment.

This is extremely important because being in the moment allows you to respond to what’s happening in the interaction in a calibrated and at the same time spontaneous way. Whenever you catch yourself being in your head when interacting with someone, stop yourself and practice being present.

By the way, my free conversation confidence guide will help significantly you with this as well.

3. Listen At A Deep Level

Deep listening means not only paying attention to what the other person is saying, but also being able to hear what has not been said, but it is there. It means understanding the needs certain words convey or understanding the emotions certain body language reflects.

If you want to learn how to be charismatic, this is a skill you simply have to master. A deep interpersonal connection happens when you are listening at a deep level. It’s essential to really pay attention to the other person and read the more subtle messages beyond the simple words.

4. Be Expressive

Charismatic people can convey their own feelings and ideas in a powerful way. They are able to state things clearly, and they use suggestive words that elicit powerful emotions. They also put their voice and their body language into it, thus enhancing the power of words.

This expressive style of communication can be learned. The main thing is to consciously focus on using more and better both the verbal and non-verbal channel, in order to get across your message.

5. Develop Your Social Intelligence

This is a tricky one. Charisma is to a large extent the result of understanding social dynamics, of understanding how people behave around other people, why they do so and what consequences it has.

A person with good social intelligence is able to adapt their social behavior to produce effective results. You truly comprehend how to be charismatic and you can be so when you have a well developed social intelligence.

The five points above are much more than simple action steps. They are each attitudes, habits and people skills in themselves.

You want to know how to become charismatic? Here’s how: You put in the time and energy to get a fine-tuned understanding of these five traits and to develop them.

Charisma is not that illusive trait people make it out to be. It has a structure; it can be learned to a big degree. If you put in the work, you see the results.

Image courtesy of Gregory Bastien

Filed Under: Lifestyle, People Skills, Psychology Tagged With: , , , 33 Comments
November 28, 2010

How to Avoid Awkward Silences

Alex: “The last movie I saw was Inception.”

You: “Oh, I saw that movie! I liked it.”

Alex: “Yeah, it was a good movie.”

You: “Yeah, aha…”

And then, S-I-L-E-N-C-E. So much silence that if feels awkward. You can hear your heart beating, you can hear the clock on the wall ticking, and you can’t tell which is which anymore.

It sometimes happens, even for persons with good people skills, to have a conversation that gets stuck at certain points, no one is speaking and it doesn’t feel right. Knowing how to avoid awkward silences is a people skill that can save the day in such a case.

I treasure a conversation with a good flow. Over the years, both me and many of my social confidence coaching clients have tested various tools and techniques to keep conversations going and to avoid those silences that feel weird.

There is also a huuuge attitude component to avoiding awkward silences. The fact of the matter is that people who are confident and feel at ease in social settings naturally find ways to get over silences and create flow.

So before anything else, I advise you to watch my free social confidence presentation. In it I will teach you my proven formula for becoming a charismatic and confident conversationalist. Go here to access it. I promise it will inspire you.

There are three ways to avoid awkward silences in a conversation that are on the top of my mind. Here they are:

1. Think Less, Talk More

There is always something to say in a conversation, a way to continue it. The fact that people who can keep talking for hours nonstop exist is living proof of that. Awkward silences appear in conversation many times because we don’t give ourselves permission to talk.

We are overanalyzing, looking for the perfect thing to say, for the proper line to continue with. When we can’t come up with one, we shut up and just sit there. That’s what creates most awkward silences.

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Learn to stop looking for the perfect conversation and to just say whatever comes to your mind. If you feel like talking about the delicious pie you had for breakfast, do that. You’ll discover that it’s actually fine to let go and talk about whatever you feel like.

2. Get Excited and Curious

It’s hard to have awkward silences in a conversation when you’re a really curious person, excited to discover the other person and willing to ask them a lot of questions.

The point is not to turn a conversation into an interrogatory. However, getting curious and asking questions based on this is, in my practice, one of the best ways to have a good flow in a conversation.

The other person may not be so eager to talk about some subjects. Don’t interpret this as a negative reflection upon you. Continue being curious and trust me, you will discover the subjects the other person is eager to talk about.

3. Keep the Silence, Remove the Awkward

I used to think that in a social interaction, one person must always be talking. That assumption got totally trashed when I started really observing other people interacting and noticing some people sitting at a table together, having a coffee in silence and totally enjoying the interaction.

A social interaction is much more than words. An exchange between people can happen simply by having eye contact or being present together, in the same moment.

Instead of trying to gap every silence, every once in a while to let it be instead and enjoy it. Make silences a natural part of a certain type of conversations. As you’ll get better at this, I can tell you from experience that you’ll really learn to appreciate silences in social interactions.

Always bear in mind to work on your attitude as well. Techniques can only get you so far. I have a practical guide for you concerning this, which you can find here.

The people skill of making conversation is part science, part art. How to avoid awkward silences is something that can be taught as theory up to a certain point, but it depends even more on practicing the theory and on gradually becoming more comfortable interacting with more types of people.

I wish you a lot of fun with your practice. Now, get out there and be social!

Image courtesy of Brandon Christopher Warren

Filed Under: People Skills, Psychology Tagged With: , , 22 Comments
November 18, 2010

10 Effective Communication Tips from 10 Awesome Online Communicators

In the past year, I’ve had the privilege of interacting with some of the best online communicators and personal development bloggers out there.

What impressed me the most about them is this: not only do they share wisdom about career, success, life, and people skills, but they do so in a high-impact communication style, built around their unique personalities.

Therefore, I’ve asked 10 awesome online communicators I know to provide some insights into both online and offline communication, by answering one fundamental question:

What is one key lesson about effective communication that you’ve learned?

The following are their answers.

Mars Dorian

Blog: Mars Dorian; Follow Mars on Twitter

The most important thing that I have learned is to appeal to people’s self-interest. This doesn’t sound very romantic, but it rocks beyond belief. Walking in the shoes of the person I’m communicating with is super-helpful. I always ask myself: Why should they care? What’s in it for them?

And whenever I follow this principle, I enjoy a conversation that is both high quality and valuable. Find a common ground which rocks for both of you. If you do, you are in for a treat!

Dragos Roua

Blog: Dragos Roua; Follow Dragos on Twitter

Listening is the key, if you want to communicate effectively. Listening to what your partner is saying, not to what you’re hearing. Many of the messages we get are unconsciously filtered by our own life experiences. Take a step back, look at yourself from a distance and you’ll have a better understanding of the conversation.

Listen to yourself also. Maybe you want to say something but your brains are just cheating on you. Stay there, be in the moment and pay attention to what you are saying. Truth is, a big part of our conversation “noise” is self-generated. So, the more you clean up your own lenses, the clearer the conversation you’ll generate will be.

Dirk De Bruin (Diggy)

Blog: Upgrade Reality; Follow Diggy on Twitter

I feel that effective communication is about simplicity and specific instructions or details. The less words you need to use and the less complicated those words are to bring your point across, the easier other people will understand. If something is easy to comprehend, people will pay attention and are more likely to engage with you or become your follower.

Also, the more specific you are, the better it is. Vagueness brings about confusion which is bad for effective communication (although it can be good for marketing purposes).

Steven Aitchison

Blog: Change Your Thoughts; Follow Steve on Twitter

The one key lesson I have learned about communicating online is to write how you speak.

Readers want to read writing that is genuine, and comes from the heart. They don’t mind the informal tone, a few missing commas, a few swear words here and there, as long as it comes from the heart.

We live in a world where everything has to be perfect for it to be any good, but when readers come across writing that is from the heart, passionate, and helpful it is like talking with a real person.

The art of being human is being lost to the art of being perfect. I am not perfect; my readers know this, so why pretend to be perfect. When I come across writing that is genuine, is from the heart and downright honest, I subscribe immediately. We want to read about writers who are doing extraordinary things, and we want to know that we can be extraordinary too – genuine communication can achieve this.

Annabel Candy

Blog: Get In The Hot Spot; Follow Annabel on Twitter

I used to teach English as a foreign language. Often I’d teach students from different countries with no language in common. It’s amazing how much you can communicate with people using only facial expressions, images and gestures. But when we communicate online, usually conversational clues like facial expressions, gestures and tone of voice have been removed so we need to make sure our writing and meaning is very clear.

Use simple language online and short sentences to get important information over fast. Good communication is about being clear and leaving no room for misunderstanding. Don’t expect your readers to be mind readers. If you want them to take certain actions like leaving a comment, telling a friend about your blog or giving you a call to make an appointment you need to remind them to do so using short, clear and simple language. Your readers will love you for it and by making your message easier to understand you make it easier for people to share too.

Jonny Gibaud

Blog: The Life Thing; Follow Jonny on Twitter

We were given two ears and one mouth, this was not a mistake. Good communication is about actively listening twice as much as you talk.

Matthew Needham

Blog: The Big Red Tomato Company; Follow Matthew on Twitter

To my mind creating high impact communication is all about consistency. Not only in verbal communications, but also in images, videos etc. For example, it is no good promoting yourself as a clean living health guru, when your Facebook page and YouTube videos would suggest otherwise.

Too many people and organizations say one thing, but do another. Take Enron. Enron had the values of communication, respect, integrity and excellence which were posted on its website and its corporate corridors, but history shows us, no one believed them because no one followed them. If your readers or employees don’t see a consistent message, then you won’t get the results you’re expecting.

Srinivas Rao

Blog: The Skool of Life; Follow Srini on Twitter

The Power of Effective Listening: One of the biggest criticisms I received in the early days of interviewing people was that I didn’t listen. I would interrupt the guests on my podcast. I’d be eager to talk about my own ideas. I even got a comment from somebody once that said “god…you’re eager to talk about yourself.” In my own insecurity I trashed the comment. Fortunately I also took it to heart because I did want to improve.

Today BlogcastFM interviews have turned out to be valuable resource for bloggers and people say that I tend to get a ton of information about people in a really short amount of time. That all comes down to listening. If you just shut up and listen, people will tell you everything you want to know. In the 48 Laws of Power, Robert Greene said that the person who is saying the least is a much more powerful communicator. So shut up for a while, and you’ll be amazed at what happens. (I know, ironic coming from one of the chattiest personalities in the blogosphere).

Farnoosh Brock

Blog: Prolific Living; Follow Farnoosh on Twitter

It’s not easy to pinpoint a single lesson on effective communication when so much goes into mastering this skill. Nonetheless, if I had to pick, the key lesson I have learned is to know and understand your audience, small or large, single person or a crowded room. You need to shape your message, your tone of voice, your delivery and your style to the particulars of that audience for the most effective results.

Learn about the needs and desires of your audience. Understand what is important to them. Listen carefully to them. Watch for cues and gestures and expressions they send. Then adjust your communication style to the sum of these attributes and you will be surprised by how well-received you shall be.

Arvind Devalia

Blog: Make It Happen; Follow Arvind on Twitter

The key lesson about effective communication that I have learned is to be authentic and to come from the heart.

People really get it when I am being totally present, honest and vulnerable and when I am willing to show them my human side. At the end of the day, they want to know that I am also just another human being like them with my own challenges, shortcomings and quirks, rather than some high-achieving superman. This of course applies to both my online writing and in my face to face interactions.

To summarize, there is no secret really to effective communication – just be yourself, be authentic and be willing to be vulnerable.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

So there you have it folks: 10 lessons about clarity, simplicity, priority, consistency and authenticity as ways towards effective communication. If you want to find out more from these fine bloggers, I encourage you to follow them on Twitter and to check out their blogs.

Image courtesy of joshfassbind

Filed Under: Communication Skills, People Skills, Success Tagged With: , , , , , , 21 Comments
November 14, 2010

What Do You Do For a Living? The Better Way to Answer

“What do you do for a living?” – I ask him eager to do some chill networking. As I say this, my mind is automatically thinking: “Here comes another crappy answer I’ll have to work with”.

You might say that’s pessimistic of me; I say it’s more of an educated guess. It’s not that they’re not a lot of people out there with interesting jobs they’re passionate about. It’s just that they haven’t learned or haven’t considered the people skill of talking about them in a powerful way.

You see, answering “What do you do for a living?” in a stylish way is a great method to get the other person interested in the conversation, in your person, and to brand yourself. As a communication coach, there are a number of things I find important in answering this question.

Use a Suggestive Title for What You Do

It’s not important to use the exact job title in your job description in a conversation, even if it’s a business conversation. I sometimes meet a person who according to the JD is an ‘Executive Assistant’, but their job is much more of an HR job. ‘HR Assistant’ works a lot better as a title for them.

The point is to use a job title that realistically reflects the nature of the things you do in your job or the type of impact you have.

There is one answer to “What do you do for a living” that I find particularly bad: “I’m a consultant”. That doesn’t tell me shit about your job! They’re a zillion consultants out there.

Be Memorable

Some titles, they may be suggestive for what you do, but they simply aren’t remarkable in any way. Of course, there are plenty of ways to be memorable; you don’t need to desperately seek being memorable through your job title, but it is certainly a big bonus, especially in jobs where personal branding matters the most.

This is why I encourage you to use a memorable title for your job. Alain Cardon could have called himself a ‘Life Coach’, but he calls himself a ‘Breakthrough Catalyst’. Mars Dorian could have called himself a ‘Blogger’ but he calls himself a ‘Digital Crusader’. These are the kind of titles that stand out and they stick.

Follow-Up with an Exciting Explanation

After you’ve said your job title to answer the question, do not stop there. A title may be cool, suggestive and sexy, but it’s still only a title.

You want to do is continue with a short and powerful description of your job. Again, it’s important to remain clear and memorable. Some things to consider adding to this description are:

  • What you do exactly. Ex: “I speak on the area of Customer Service at conferences all over the world”.
  • What practical benefit you create: Ex: “I help organizations improve they way they interact with their customers and increase customer loyalty”.
  • Why what you do is important for you. Ex: “I believe that good results start with good customer service”.

But Eduard, What If I Have a Job I Hate and I Don’t Want to Talk About?

For this not so uncommon scenario, the first significant thing I can tell you is that you’d better at least have an aim for a different career and know what that career is.

Based on this, when you answer the question you can name your current job and then quickly move on to talking about the job you’re aiming for.

You may say something like: “I now work as a Sales Agent in an FMCG company, but I’m training to become a Career Coach. I have a passion for helping people find their way”.

The more you master your people skills and the better you present yourself, the more you “attract” all sorts of remarkable people and breathtaking career opportunities. And it often all starts with answering in style one simple question.

Image courtesy of Lucid Dreams

Filed Under: Career, People Skills, Success Tagged With: , , , , , 14 Comments
November 9, 2010

Free Coaching Worth Over $1000 (Bloggers Eligible)

Every once in a while, I get this drive to boldly go where no coach has gone before in helping people put their best foot forward in communication.

I’m officially launching a project through which I intend to kill two birds with one stone: coach some cool people and help increase awareness about the importance of good people skills.

In short: I’m giving away free coaching worth over $1000 to the 3 bloggers that impress me the most with a people skills article on their blog. Now for the long story…

The Prize

Three smarter-than-the-average-bear bloggers will win an individual communication coaching program with me. Every program includes 5 coaching sessions of 60 min. each, and it will take place via Skype. Together, the 3 coaching programs are worth over $1000.

You will definitely be interested in such a coaching program if any of the following changes are relevant to you:

  • Improving your confidence or self-esteem;
  • Crushing limiting beliefs like a bug;
  • Learning how to better communicate in the workplace;
  • Advancing in your career;
  • Promoting you, your services or your business in a powerful way;
  • Developing your conversation skills and your social life;
  • Building healthy relationships with other people;
  • Improving your blog, social media use and online brand.

I can tell you from many previous experiences that if you commit to the program, in 5 coaching sessions (5 hours of coaching), you can create a significant shift in one key area of your life.

Why Bloggers?

In order to be eligible for winning the prize, you need to an active blogger. When I say ‘active blogger’ I mean that:

  • You own a blog and you write on it periodically (al least two times each month);
  • You have written at least 20 posts on your blog.

I’ve decided to make this prize available for bloggers only for two reasons:

Bloggers are influencers. They express themselves in writing, they build tribes and they spread the word online on various topics. This is particularly relevant for me as I also aim through this project to encourage spreading the word on communication and people skills.

Blogger are givers. They share their experiences, their know-how and themselves, they help people learn and they often put a smile on their face. I always believe that if I give something, it’s better I give it to others who give themselves rather than to those who simply need.

How to Enter the Competition

There are 3 essential steps to entering the competition for the free coaching.

Step 1: The article. Write and publish on your blog a post (article) in which you share with your readers one or more personal experiences and one or more key lessons on people skills that you’ve learned from them.

Note: The article must be written in fluent English. I will automatically disqualify any article that isn’t. Also, only one article is allowed from each blogger.

Step 2: The footer. At the end of the post, add the following line, with the two links to this blog included:

I wrote this article as part of a collaborative project for increasing awareness about the importance of people skills. This project is initiated by People Skills Decoded.

Step 3: The email. After you’ve published the post, contact me by email and let me know about it. I’ll reply to your email and confirm that you’re in the competition.

The Rating System

I will rate each article based on four criteria:

  1. The personal story/ stories is/ are inspirational and convey the messages well;
  2. The lesson/ lessons drawn from them is/ are well explained, practical and insightful;
  3. The article is written in a clear, easy to read and high-impact style;
  4. The article gives me a tingling feeling.

The point is this:

Show me that you’ve learned something valuable related to people skills on your own, eloquently share it on your blog to teach others, and I’ll help you take your people skills to the next level.

If you want to increase your chances of rating well, I advise you to read some of the articles I wrote on this blog, to get a better idea of the kind of content I find valuable.

Based on the 4 criteria above, I will pick 3 articles as the best and I’ll declare the bloggers who wrote them the winners of the free coaching programs.

Deadline: December 22, 2010.

Then, on December 25 (Christmas Day), 3 bloggers will receive a special present from me: an email announcing them as the winners of the competition. I will also post the news on People Skills Decoded on the same day, and link to the winning articles.

If you want to keep updated with this project, I encourage you to subscribe to this blog, follow me on Twitter or add me on Facebook.

Put your life experience and your writing skills to good use and you’ll start the New Year working one-on-one with me in an awesome communication coaching program.

I’m look forward to reading your article.

Image courtesy of Zephyrance

Filed Under: News, People Skills, Success Tagged With: , , , , , , 20 Comments
November 4, 2010

Handling a Stupid Boss

Due to a combination of bad decision making and too much trust in people’s potential, teams and organizations often end up with a stupid boss in charge. It’s not uncommon for them to exist even in reputable corporations, which take pride in the quality of their management.

A stupid boss is a person in a managerial position who does not have the level of intelligence required to do their job well. They have trouble understanding intricate realities, they can’t follow complex logic with more than two variables involved, and they simply don’t get it.

Handling a stupid boos takes, in my view, a special set of people skills. It also requires using intelligence to combat unintelligence. Here are the most important ways to handle a stupid boss.

1. Intimidate them with your intelligence

If you prove a stupid boss that you’re simply smarter than they are, they will often feel a bit threatened and try to sabotage you. However, if you prove them that you’re a lot more intelligent than they are, than they will be really afraid to mess with you. Who knows what you can do to them and their comfortable managerial position?

Do not hesitate to use various opportunities and prove a stupid boss that you are so smart you’re out of their league. Use big words and intricate reasoning when talking with them, and act like this is the standard for you.

2. Do it your way, and then explain yourself using complex logic

The big problem with a stupid boss is that they’ll often make stupid decisions and then ask you to implement them. When this happens, say you’ll do things according to their decision, and then do them according to yours.

When your boss asks you why you’ve disobeyed them, explain yourself using words and logic that are above them. Say something like: “I was backtracking my steps on the CRM process and I realized a divergent approach with this report would emphasize the project’s collateral benefits in terms of ROI.”

Then watch them stare blankly at you. They have no idea what you said, but they don’t want to look stupid either, so they won’t acknowledge this. Vanity is common in stupid people. They’ll probably just say: “Aaa, OK. Well next time, do things like I tell you to”. Agree, then next time repeat the same process.

3. Appeal to their emotions

Since a stupid boss is not able to follow complex logic, it is often best to push their emotional buttons in order to influence their decisions. When you propose them the implementation of a certain project, don’t bother to try and persuade them with arguments.

Instead, tell them something like this: “I went to talk to Tim (your boss’s boss) about this project and he thinks it’s a great idea.” If it’s important for your boss to please Tim, that’s all you’ll need to convince them.

4. Use simple logic, simple words

If you truly feel the need to convince a stupid boss using logic, facts and arguments, then strip them to their bare essentials before using them. It’s a reflection of malleability and good people skills. Imagine you’re talking with a caveman who is not familiar with big words and advanced logic: “This… line; this… circle”.

Simplicity is king when trying to persuade a stupid boss. Try anything above that and you’ll lose them. Then all you’ll hear from them is: “I don’t find your arguments compelling enough” (translation: “I have no clue what you’re talking about”).

Last but not least, keep in mind that no matter how good your people skills for dealing with a stupid boss are, it’s always better to deal with a smart one instead. So if you often find yourself needing to trick your boss using your superior brainpower in order to get your way, maybe it’s time to look for another job.

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Filed Under: Career, People Skills, Relationships Tagged With: , , 10 Comments
October 18, 2010

How to Deal with Controlling People

One variety of human beings we tend to have too many of in our lives (too many as in, more than zero) is controlling people.

Considering the stress they can create, knowing how to deal with controlling people effectively is serious business and it requires a key set of people skills.

Controlling People Explained

Fundamentally, controlling people have a powerful need to control others (doooh!). This need is reinforced by their belief (conscious or subconscious) that they can bend the will of other people to their own and use others to get their way.

Having lots of practice, most controlling people are real masters of pressuring and manipulating others. They often have very good people skills (the bad kind) and may initially come off as very charming.

The basisof beingable to deal with controlling people effectively, from my perspective, is making them understand that they cannot pull your strings. Thus, you are shaking one of their core beliefs and you have the best chances of them backing off.

4 Principles for Dealing with Controlling People

Starting from this basis, there are 4 key people skills principles I encourage you to apply, in order to deal successfully with controlling people:

1. Distinguish pressure from persuasion. When someone presents facts and logical arguments for doing something, while allowing you the freedom to choose, that is persuasion.

When someone uses lying, exaggeration, manipulation, drama and tries to take away your freedom to choose, that is psychological pressure. “If you care about me you’ll help me, nobody cares about me, oh poor little me” is not a persuasive approach, it’s a manipulative one, often used by toxic people.

Practice analyzing how people try to influence you and what methods they use. You will sharpen your skills of distinguishing pleasure from persuasion.

2. Say “No”, “Yes” and “Fuck you”. Firm personal boundaries are often set using firm, strong words. It may not sound polite, but trust me, when you are dealing with controlling people, this is how to get the job done. Honesty and directness in communication have a mesmerizing power to convey confidence and create results.

Practice saying “no” when you don’t really want to do something instead of trying to bail out subtly. Practice saying “yes” when you want to do something other’s don’t want you to do, and learn to tell people off sometimes.

3. Do not submit to pressuring behavior. When they can’t pressure you with words, controlling people will resort to pressuring behavior. The logic of the game is simple: whenever you don’t play by their rules, they withdraw a certain positive behavior or insert a negative one.

Controlling people may stop talking to you, helping you, doing their chores, having sex with you etc., in an attempt to get you to play by their rules. If you submit, you lose. There are only two ways to deal successfully with this kind of behavior: either not reacting, or withdrawing a positive behavior yourself.

4. Do not seek the approval of one person. We all need to be approved and loved by people. It’s a human thing. However, we never, truly, really need the approval of one specific person.

One important attitude lesson I’ve learned is that no one person is irreplaceable in your life. Realize this, let it sink in, and you have the freedom to piss off a controlling person without feeling bad. Thus, they lose their major source of power over you.

Learning how to deal with controlling people usually requires at least some serious self-coaching. In all this process, if you find it hard, keep in mind that you are improving a set of people skills with a positive influence that stretches into many areas of your life.

PS: I now blog and share advice over here. Connect with me.

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Filed Under: People Skills, Psychology, Relationships Tagged With: , , , 11 Comments